that weird feeling wouldn't go away...

this week didn't start off so well...and it really didn't get better until...pretty much today. it was one of those feelings that started off as soon as i awoke on monday and just never went away. i knew it was a season related feeling but i couldn't figure out what the origin was. it was just gnawing at me the entire week and it just kept building as the week continued on.

i was scheduled to play for Weekend Services this week. now, in the past i freak out when i get the notification and the songs. well...i still kinda do...but lately i've been really enjoying my opportunities on team. but this was different. i really didn't want to play at all. more accurately, i didn't want to be on stage this weekend. i didn't want to be anywhere near the stage this weekend, but for days...i didn't know why...

after a conversation with a friend and just spending a few relatively quiet moments (i was commuting) praying and thinking i realized what it was. saturday, the first service i'd be playing, would be the 5th anniversary of Kat's memorial service. it was the first time i had ever set foot on the stage at my church...and prolly why i didn't want to be on stage this weekend. i didn't want to relive that memory. i didn't want to have to revisit those emotions...that experience. i'm not sure if it's because i was afraid of having a breakdown while onstage or if the flood of memories would become distracting while i was playing. i don't know...but i know that i did not want to be onstage. a huge traffic jam on thursday evening on the way to practice seemed like the perfect out...but even then i couldn't take it. i guess i knew that would be the easy way out and i have somewhat chosen to stop choosing that route. well, at least for things i deem important. i do need to learn to punt on fourth and long in life situations though. but that would be a different post...

kat and i lead worship together in college, at our old church and for other events. in retrospect, that defined our lives together to a great degree. it's what we did as a couple...it's who we were. before our daughter was born, we had auditioned to be a part of the worship community at the church i'm attending now. after she passed...there was a point where i considered that something that i would rather leave in my past...i was done. i would still play for myself, my daughter...but that was it. it took quite a bit of time for God to convince me otherwise....well, amongst other things. so being onstage with our teams has always been bit of a bittersweet experience. there is still the joy that i used to get...but now it is tempered with a touch of sadness...emptiness that she isn't there to serve with and share in the experience with. this weekend, because of the anniversary that it happened to coincide with...i guess my mind was preparing for something that may or may not have come back...emotionally. that empty, hallow feeling that can come with depression. that darkness that causes me to freeze and makes me incapable of performing the way i can in life. i don't think i blocked out the emotions or the memories...more that i was able to re-direct them? no, once identified, i could put them away appropriately to sit and deal with later...when it wouldn't conflict with things that were going on.

finding out what it was specifically that was causing me to feel the way i did helped me start to move away from it. not ignore? but move away from where it was taking me. that place where i want to not engage with people and shun responsibilities and activities. for me, being able to identify that which i need to confront seems to be key in my ability deal with these things in healthy ways. i don't put them away to ignore them. i put them away so i can give them the time they deserve when i can afford to. it also allows me to give them my full attention...and they deserve that as well as i. it's interesting that the message this weekend had a point about facing that which we fear doing. interesting how timing works. serendipitous? no. validation.

so just one more anniversary that i need to deal with this coming week. it's funny that i didn't give these a single thought i the last four years. i guess there is truth to anniversary patterns? the 11th will be the the day i drove up to Mendocino to bring her remains home.

it's been a long...and short five years. i cant say that i'm satisfied with where i am in life and perhaps that has added to the way i've been feeling as of late. but that's to some point why i've started this blog. it's just another tool in my box that i'm using to initiate and sustain change in me and the world around me...

dig a hole...fill it up. shake it off and step up...

btw... i changed the title of this blog to better reflect it's content...