that same feeling coming back...

well...i thought that perhaps the state of depression i was in was going to be changing for the better...

ok...maybe i was just hoping...

guess again!!!

nope...actually, it's gotten worse...

ok...well no, not really. i think it would be more truthful to say that this year, this season...the depth of my depression is much deeper than i thought it would be. a friend asked me to rate it as compared to the first month after kat had passed. i felt as if it were at least ten times worse. the only thing that i don't have from five years ago is the shock from all the events...and none of the distractions of that time five years ago that at least...well, offered me a distraction? something to take my mind away from me and what i was going through.

no. this year has definitely been much harder. the feelings are lingering longer and although i'm not breaking down and crying like i did then...i have very little motivation to be productive. i've tried my ass off to get motivated for anything and although outwardly i seem to be, everything inside me screams to go back to bed...shove the covers over my head...stay in the house and away from anyone. this week, it's been an effort to even go to the coffee shop to get a coffee and work. that's what my depression does to me. it drives me away from the world and people that i would normally want to spend time and connect with.

i know that the fifth year anniversary is the worst. i was prepared for it. i looked for new ways of dealing with those emotions, the depression and the behavior that it would draw me to. i knew that things that i had tried in the past weren't going to cut it this time around. at this point, the depression is winning...barely. eh...maybe it's a stalemate...or maybe i am winning. perhaps just getting off my ass to get up and go do something...anything...is all the victory i could hope for. maybe my initial goals of overcoming it entirely was a fool's dream. i don't know. but i'm going to keep plugging away. just doing anything beyond living necessities accomplished is a victory at this stage. keep it moving forward...

dig a hole, fill it up...

a friend mentioned something else when i had coffee with him a month ago. it was an allegorical story of how when some farmers gave up on a mule that had fallen in a hole and were going to bury it in there rather than trying to save it as they threw dirt and rocks in the hole, the mule would shake off the debris and step on top of it. yeah, you know where this is going...kind of like Aesop's fables. the men realize that by continuing to throw dirt and rocks in the hole, the mule will eventually be able to get out...and thus...

shake it off, step up...

ok...so it's kinda corny. but it works...especially along with my other little phrase. to me, it's all about keeping forward momentum in life no matter what kind of shit life throws at you. sure, you've heard it all before. some may even pay good money to go hear someone tell them exactly that. that's not my point. that idea isn't new. it's not novel. it's not enlightening. it's not even common sense...because there is no such thing...

it's about keeping yourself motivated...no matter the situation. it's taking what is heaped on you, going through it...and moving on.

what i've found that's helped me in my depression is to find reasons and ways to keep moving forward. it's not possible to forget the past. it's not healthy to not acknowledge hurt and grief in your life. even worse to deny or suppress it. so i'm using the phrases as a reminder for the mindset i need to get through this.

you can't control Life. Life can suck sometimes. life can be a real bitch. Life is a real mother-trucker. but Life will eventually be good to you. why? because God said so...and what good to me means, i may not understand in the moment nor be able to see on the horizon...but i know it's there and waiting for me to get there. why? because God said so...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Jerimiah 29:11-14

ok, God said so through Jeremiah...

and so that's the hope i need to hang on to. why? because there is really nothing else...at least when the depression hits. i don't see the good in Life even when it is staring me down. i don't feel it even when it's shaking me by the shoulders. i just don't. I DON'T. so i hang on to that and remember that at many points in the past, Life and God have been good to me...and that even though Life hasn't really been that great to me recently...God has and will always...and so Life will be at some point once again...

yeah...things have really sucked the last few months. but until it gets better...and it will...

dig a hole, fill it up...shake it off, step up...