yeah...it does...
the past five years have passed in what i can only describe as riding on a roller-coaster through a fog of emotions. you never really know what you're feeling nor what might be coming around the next turn. it's not that i didn't or couldn't feel. it's more like there was so much and it would change so quickly and suddenly that it was often difficult to sort through and appreciate each one and the experience that went along with it. often, it took some months to pass before i could even recognize something had happened or that i had been through...something worth noting and learning from.
many of the first weeks and months were spent just trying to define who i was going to be... re-defining? re-discovering? i didn't know and still really don't have a good handle necessarily on what i did other than try and do more than just survive. i had a daughter to care for and raise. i know i made quite a few bad decisions. i also know that i chose to ignore things that i shouldn't have. i have found that part of my survival was to trade some responsibility for some irresponsibility. i know now that i traded a bit too much and now i have to get myself out of that. i've dug a hole and now i must fill it up.
the biggest lesson...and hardest lesson i learned (well...still am learning) was that God really wanted me to listen to Him and i didn't want to. i was too scared to. i had just lost my wife. i was scared that God would say that there was going to be more. even though i knew that wouldn't be the case...i was scared that it might be. i was scared of what else He might have asked me to go through, experience. i just wasn't willing to take the chance. the whole time i could tell that God was right next to me waiting to really tell me and give me good things. but i was too scared and stubborn to turn and listen and receive what He had for me. in the end, i found He was asking me to make some tough and uncomfortable choices. but none were that hard nor that uncomfortable compared to what i had imagined in my mind. and they were all part of the process...not end points or conclusions.
God does use life experiences as object lessons...it's just us who make them out to be harder and more painful than they need to be or that He had intended.
this last year and a half has been like a preparation for me to face the five year anniversary. but i also feel as if He has given me more tools during this time to be better equipped to handle it and more importantly...to move beyond it. not to forget it, but to grow from it.
i'm scared about the next five years. i don't know what they will bring. but i know that i'm being prepared for something. it may be just getting better at being kyky's dad...i don't know. but in a strange way...i'm looking forward to the change. it's time to step out of the cave i've been hiding in. it's time for change and taking chances. it's time i re-create, redefine or more importantly, refine me. yeah...it's time. i'm ready for some good stuff...better stuff...the best stuff that God can offer. i'm ready...
the past five years have passed in what i can only describe as riding on a roller-coaster through a fog of emotions. you never really know what you're feeling nor what might be coming around the next turn. it's not that i didn't or couldn't feel. it's more like there was so much and it would change so quickly and suddenly that it was often difficult to sort through and appreciate each one and the experience that went along with it. often, it took some months to pass before i could even recognize something had happened or that i had been through...something worth noting and learning from.
many of the first weeks and months were spent just trying to define who i was going to be... re-defining? re-discovering? i didn't know and still really don't have a good handle necessarily on what i did other than try and do more than just survive. i had a daughter to care for and raise. i know i made quite a few bad decisions. i also know that i chose to ignore things that i shouldn't have. i have found that part of my survival was to trade some responsibility for some irresponsibility. i know now that i traded a bit too much and now i have to get myself out of that. i've dug a hole and now i must fill it up.
the biggest lesson...and hardest lesson i learned (well...still am learning) was that God really wanted me to listen to Him and i didn't want to. i was too scared to. i had just lost my wife. i was scared that God would say that there was going to be more. even though i knew that wouldn't be the case...i was scared that it might be. i was scared of what else He might have asked me to go through, experience. i just wasn't willing to take the chance. the whole time i could tell that God was right next to me waiting to really tell me and give me good things. but i was too scared and stubborn to turn and listen and receive what He had for me. in the end, i found He was asking me to make some tough and uncomfortable choices. but none were that hard nor that uncomfortable compared to what i had imagined in my mind. and they were all part of the process...not end points or conclusions.
God does use life experiences as object lessons...it's just us who make them out to be harder and more painful than they need to be or that He had intended.
this last year and a half has been like a preparation for me to face the five year anniversary. but i also feel as if He has given me more tools during this time to be better equipped to handle it and more importantly...to move beyond it. not to forget it, but to grow from it.
i'm scared about the next five years. i don't know what they will bring. but i know that i'm being prepared for something. it may be just getting better at being kyky's dad...i don't know. but in a strange way...i'm looking forward to the change. it's time to step out of the cave i've been hiding in. it's time for change and taking chances. it's time i re-create, redefine or more importantly, refine me. yeah...it's time. i'm ready for some good stuff...better stuff...the best stuff that God can offer. i'm ready...
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