that same feeling coming back...

well...i thought that perhaps the state of depression i was in was going to be changing for the better...

ok...maybe i was just hoping...

guess again!!!

nope...actually, it's gotten worse...

ok...well no, not really. i think it would be more truthful to say that this year, this season...the depth of my depression is much deeper than i thought it would be. a friend asked me to rate it as compared to the first month after kat had passed. i felt as if it were at least ten times worse. the only thing that i don't have from five years ago is the shock from all the events...and none of the distractions of that time five years ago that at least...well, offered me a distraction? something to take my mind away from me and what i was going through.

no. this year has definitely been much harder. the feelings are lingering longer and although i'm not breaking down and crying like i did then...i have very little motivation to be productive. i've tried my ass off to get motivated for anything and although outwardly i seem to be, everything inside me screams to go back to bed...shove the covers over my head...stay in the house and away from anyone. this week, it's been an effort to even go to the coffee shop to get a coffee and work. that's what my depression does to me. it drives me away from the world and people that i would normally want to spend time and connect with.

i know that the fifth year anniversary is the worst. i was prepared for it. i looked for new ways of dealing with those emotions, the depression and the behavior that it would draw me to. i knew that things that i had tried in the past weren't going to cut it this time around. at this point, the depression is winning...barely. eh...maybe it's a stalemate...or maybe i am winning. perhaps just getting off my ass to get up and go do something...anything...is all the victory i could hope for. maybe my initial goals of overcoming it entirely was a fool's dream. i don't know. but i'm going to keep plugging away. just doing anything beyond living necessities accomplished is a victory at this stage. keep it moving forward...

dig a hole, fill it up...

a friend mentioned something else when i had coffee with him a month ago. it was an allegorical story of how when some farmers gave up on a mule that had fallen in a hole and were going to bury it in there rather than trying to save it as they threw dirt and rocks in the hole, the mule would shake off the debris and step on top of it. yeah, you know where this is going...kind of like Aesop's fables. the men realize that by continuing to throw dirt and rocks in the hole, the mule will eventually be able to get out...and thus...

shake it off, step up...

ok...so it's kinda corny. but it works...especially along with my other little phrase. to me, it's all about keeping forward momentum in life no matter what kind of shit life throws at you. sure, you've heard it all before. some may even pay good money to go hear someone tell them exactly that. that's not my point. that idea isn't new. it's not novel. it's not enlightening. it's not even common sense...because there is no such thing...

it's about keeping yourself motivated...no matter the situation. it's taking what is heaped on you, going through it...and moving on.

what i've found that's helped me in my depression is to find reasons and ways to keep moving forward. it's not possible to forget the past. it's not healthy to not acknowledge hurt and grief in your life. even worse to deny or suppress it. so i'm using the phrases as a reminder for the mindset i need to get through this.

you can't control Life. Life can suck sometimes. life can be a real bitch. Life is a real mother-trucker. but Life will eventually be good to you. why? because God said so...and what good to me means, i may not understand in the moment nor be able to see on the horizon...but i know it's there and waiting for me to get there. why? because God said so...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Jerimiah 29:11-14

ok, God said so through Jeremiah...

and so that's the hope i need to hang on to. why? because there is really nothing else...at least when the depression hits. i don't see the good in Life even when it is staring me down. i don't feel it even when it's shaking me by the shoulders. i just don't. I DON'T. so i hang on to that and remember that at many points in the past, Life and God have been good to me...and that even though Life hasn't really been that great to me recently...God has and will always...and so Life will be at some point once again...

yeah...things have really sucked the last few months. but until it gets better...and it will...

dig a hole, fill it up...shake it off, step up...

i'm glad she feels that comfortable around me

well, she is my daughter...and she is her mother's daughter...

i'll leave it up to you to differentiate from this story which parts come from her maternal side and which parts come from her paternal side...

so i was working in the living room one day a couple years ago...prolly folding laundry or doing bills or something else that in the world of this story...really doesn't matter...

kyky came strolling up to me...

"Daddy? I want to give you a big hug..."

she climbs up into my lap and proceeds to give me a big "squeeze" hug...

"Daddy?"
"Yeah, kyky?"
"I love you Daddy!!!"

she then proceeds to fart on me...jump down off my lap and...

"bye, Daddy!"

as she runs out of the room...

leaving me in a state of horror, disgust, indignation and a tiny...tiny...tinge of pride...

that weird feeling wouldn't go away...

this week didn't start off so well...and it really didn't get better until...pretty much today. it was one of those feelings that started off as soon as i awoke on monday and just never went away. i knew it was a season related feeling but i couldn't figure out what the origin was. it was just gnawing at me the entire week and it just kept building as the week continued on.

i was scheduled to play for Weekend Services this week. now, in the past i freak out when i get the notification and the songs. well...i still kinda do...but lately i've been really enjoying my opportunities on team. but this was different. i really didn't want to play at all. more accurately, i didn't want to be on stage this weekend. i didn't want to be anywhere near the stage this weekend, but for days...i didn't know why...

after a conversation with a friend and just spending a few relatively quiet moments (i was commuting) praying and thinking i realized what it was. saturday, the first service i'd be playing, would be the 5th anniversary of Kat's memorial service. it was the first time i had ever set foot on the stage at my church...and prolly why i didn't want to be on stage this weekend. i didn't want to relive that memory. i didn't want to have to revisit those emotions...that experience. i'm not sure if it's because i was afraid of having a breakdown while onstage or if the flood of memories would become distracting while i was playing. i don't know...but i know that i did not want to be onstage. a huge traffic jam on thursday evening on the way to practice seemed like the perfect out...but even then i couldn't take it. i guess i knew that would be the easy way out and i have somewhat chosen to stop choosing that route. well, at least for things i deem important. i do need to learn to punt on fourth and long in life situations though. but that would be a different post...

kat and i lead worship together in college, at our old church and for other events. in retrospect, that defined our lives together to a great degree. it's what we did as a couple...it's who we were. before our daughter was born, we had auditioned to be a part of the worship community at the church i'm attending now. after she passed...there was a point where i considered that something that i would rather leave in my past...i was done. i would still play for myself, my daughter...but that was it. it took quite a bit of time for God to convince me otherwise....well, amongst other things. so being onstage with our teams has always been bit of a bittersweet experience. there is still the joy that i used to get...but now it is tempered with a touch of sadness...emptiness that she isn't there to serve with and share in the experience with. this weekend, because of the anniversary that it happened to coincide with...i guess my mind was preparing for something that may or may not have come back...emotionally. that empty, hallow feeling that can come with depression. that darkness that causes me to freeze and makes me incapable of performing the way i can in life. i don't think i blocked out the emotions or the memories...more that i was able to re-direct them? no, once identified, i could put them away appropriately to sit and deal with later...when it wouldn't conflict with things that were going on.

finding out what it was specifically that was causing me to feel the way i did helped me start to move away from it. not ignore? but move away from where it was taking me. that place where i want to not engage with people and shun responsibilities and activities. for me, being able to identify that which i need to confront seems to be key in my ability deal with these things in healthy ways. i don't put them away to ignore them. i put them away so i can give them the time they deserve when i can afford to. it also allows me to give them my full attention...and they deserve that as well as i. it's interesting that the message this weekend had a point about facing that which we fear doing. interesting how timing works. serendipitous? no. validation.

so just one more anniversary that i need to deal with this coming week. it's funny that i didn't give these a single thought i the last four years. i guess there is truth to anniversary patterns? the 11th will be the the day i drove up to Mendocino to bring her remains home.

it's been a long...and short five years. i cant say that i'm satisfied with where i am in life and perhaps that has added to the way i've been feeling as of late. but that's to some point why i've started this blog. it's just another tool in my box that i'm using to initiate and sustain change in me and the world around me...

dig a hole...fill it up. shake it off and step up...

btw... i changed the title of this blog to better reflect it's content...

Uncle Tony and the Monster...

ok...one more that i just remembered...

every once in awhile, kyky will make up a story to amuse herself.

gee...i wonder where she gets that from?!?!??!

Uncle Tony is a buddy of mine who stayed here w/ us for a couple years and he helped me watch kyky quite a bit.

we were on our way to school one morning when...

"Daddy?"
"yeah sweetness..."
"do you remember the time Uncle Tony got scared?"
"ummmm...no, i don't. what happened?"
"yeah...the monster came out and scared Uncle Tony..."
"yeah?"
"yeah...and when the monster scared him...and Uncle Tony, he screamed like a girl!"

*snigger*

sorry bro...but that one is too funny...too funny not to post...

kyky speaks Chinese!!!!!

ok...

this one doesn't really work well in print because it's an audio gag...but use your imagination. i really just wanted to get this down before i forgot the story. it happened almost 2 years ago so i guess it's ok if it's slipped from my mind recently...

we were at an eating establishment locally...hawaiian food if i remember right. i asked her what she wanted to drink and she asked if they had juice. well of course they do...but it's lemonade. i'm not sure she's had lemonade before that(apparently she had at my sister's house)...

"mmmmmmm...yummy lemonade! i like it daddy!"
"i'm glad you do!"
"daddy?"
"yeah?"
"i know how to say lemonade in Chinese!"

ok...stop there...
I don't even know how to say lemonade in Chinese. now, i can prolly translate it into "lemon juice" or something similar but i don't know the actual Chinese word or phrase for "lemonade" so i am curious as to #1 where she learned it and #2 what it actually is...and i'm pretty stinkin' sure that she really doesn't know but of course i need to ask the following question...

"really, sweetie? how do you say lemonade in Chinese?"

kyky mimicking her best FOB Chinese accent...(think of Victor Kwong or James Hong)

"lemoin aaa!"

damn...

5 years ago...

five years ago yesterday...at least officially...i became a single dad and a widower. i say officially because that is the date on my wife's death certificate. for me, i know that it was actually new year's day. kinda makes that whole new year's eve and new year's day celebration thing kinda sucky, yeah? 

yeah...it does...

the past five years have passed in what i can only describe as riding on a roller-coaster through a fog of emotions. you never really know what you're feeling nor what might be coming around the next turn. it's not that i didn't or couldn't feel. it's more like there was so much and it would change so quickly and suddenly that it was often difficult to sort through and appreciate each one and the experience that went along with it. often, it took some months to pass before i could even recognize something had happened or that i had been through...something worth noting and learning from.

many of the first weeks and months were spent just trying to define who i was going to be... re-defining? re-discovering? i didn't know and still really don't have a good handle necessarily on what i did other than try and do more than just survive. i had a daughter to care for and raise. i know i made quite a few bad decisions. i also know that i chose to ignore things that i shouldn't have. i have found that part of my survival was to trade some responsibility for some irresponsibility. i know now that i traded a bit too much and now i have to get myself out of that. i've dug a hole and now i must fill it up.

the biggest lesson...and hardest lesson i learned (well...still am learning) was that God really wanted me to listen to Him and i didn't want to. i was too scared to. i had just lost my wife. i was scared that God would say that there was going to be more. even though i knew that wouldn't be the case...i was scared that it might be. i was scared of what else He might have asked me to go through, experience. i just wasn't willing to take the chance. the whole time i could tell that God was right next to me waiting to really tell me and give me good things. but i was too scared and stubborn to turn and listen and receive what He had for me. in the end, i found He was asking me to make some tough and uncomfortable choices. but none were that hard nor that uncomfortable compared to what i had imagined in my mind. and they were all part of the process...not end points or conclusions.

God does use life experiences as object lessons...it's just us who make them out to be harder and more painful than they need to be or that He had intended.

this last year and a half has been like a preparation for me to face the five year anniversary. but i also feel as if He has given me more tools during this time to be better equipped to handle it and more importantly...to move beyond it. not to forget it, but to grow from it.

i'm scared about the next five years. i don't know what they will bring. but i know that i'm being prepared for something. it may be just getting better at being kyky's dad...i don't know. but in a strange way...i'm looking forward to the change. it's time to step out of the cave i've been hiding in. it's time for change and taking chances. it's time i re-create, redefine or more importantly, refine me. yeah...it's time. i'm ready for some good stuff...better stuff...the best stuff that God can offer. i'm ready...