contentment...and the voice of the Devil, which i imagine to be high and squeeky...

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have. ~ Unknown

It's funny that this was the topic that taught at church this last weekend.

I have found that when I was sitting at the bottom of that well these past few months that though it was not the main theme running through the halls of my psyche it was a constant nagging and cruel under-current. No matter what was going thru me mentally or emotionally, that was the ever whispered voice that would try and drag me back into the dark whenever I made a move to get up off my ass and try to join the world of the seemingly normal.

Ok. There's a part of me that will say, "hey bud, that's the enemy talkin' at you. stop listening..."

And then the other half screams back, "yeah? I know! But what if i'm really not and I deserve something else!"

I don't need Satan nor one of his imps to remind me of what's gone wrong in my life, thank you very much... the things i wished I didn't do or said. decisions made poorly... rashly, un-wisely...

No... I'm fucking good at doing that all on my own. I can beat the schitte out of myself better than Edward Norton in "Fight Club". No... that's not the enemy talkin’, it's me. all me. oh sure... I'm fairly certain that he has some hand in it but the part is minor, kinda like an extra on the set... just standing there and getting a free meal at my expense of misery.

Now, I'm not saying this is true of everyone... not at all. I'm just speaking for myself here. but I've found that when my voice is the loudest...a nd not God's? I'm in for a world of hurt. because where my voice hurts and is irrational, His heals and brings comfort... and order. The trick is this. just because I don't always understand God's order doesn't mean there isn't… order. Simple, yes? We can't fathom "God". I guess if we could? Is HE/SHE the type of god you'd want to follow, trust, believe in? No, prolly not. If we could, what good would He be? What "use" would "God" be?

God wants good for me. I have no doubt about that. what we forget is that though WE want good for ourselves as well, we don't always make the best choices as far as what "good for us". So when we don't have it... we want it. we don't know what it is... but we want it anyways. And? So we are discontent. And? So we don't see that up to this current point in our lives... we have more than we need. We have more than we need to get to the next place. Sometimes more than we need means that we have less than we just had? And sometimes... ok, sometimes we really do have more than we need.

If we listen to our own voices, we'll never see that. if we listen to God's voice, we can learn to trust that...

I really don't have any other answers for attaining contentment...no more nuggets of wisdom. why? because admittedly, I'm still struggling with it. Maybe when I reach the 44th level of contentment I may have something for you. But then again... prolly not.

No… all I've learned thru this so far is that my voice is wrong and so I need to stop talking and start listening… and even though I don't understand what i'm hearing, I need to trust it. It's proven true time and again that God will speak something that I don't trust fully and only realize later what He/She meant, and I need only understand what I need to for the moment. I just believe in time more will be revealed. It may not be as much as iIwant... but it's all that I need for the time being.

Hard? For me? Effin’ "A" it is. It totally is...

But… I believe it'll be worth it all... and that's enough for now...

and here...

dig a hole...fill it up...