She Travels Outside of Karma....

Been thinking a bit lately about how I usually answer this question...

"so...how do you do it?"

My answer?

"grace... grace is why I'm still here..."

I'm not sure what people are expecting when they ask me that question. I'm not even sure if they really care to know and maybe right after they ask... they want to retract it. It's a pretty loaded question, full of possible explanations... paths that diverge. I guess I could always go into specifics... but honestly? Grace is what it all boils down to.

I'm not implying that in some way I deserved to be in my situation and that by the Grace of God, I'm not worse off or something like that. That God took pity on me in some way and allowed me to "survive". I mean, I often refer to my life as sucky... that my situation is pretty eff'ed up in most respects?

And I do mean it...

But not wholeheartedly... no, I don't...

look...

There is no blame to be directed at any person for the place I'm in. sure, you can blame me for some of my poor my choices after the fact, but what happened 5 years ago was no one's fault. No, despite what I want to believe... or how I might feel at any given point in time, what happened just was and it is just one of the events in a string of happenings that is leading to something... either for me or my daughter or for whomever we cross paths with...

Maybe this is just a coping mechanism? I don't know. I just know that there are much bigger and more important things in the world than me… and for me to believe I am the single focus of any force of God or Nature, that somehow I might matter more than the the girl who poorly bagged my groceries this afternoon would just be self serving in the worse possible of ways.

But here's the deal...

Somehow, in ways we're probably not meant to understand. It all does matter. You and me do matter... and equally so. there is a connection whether we can see it or not, feel it or not. All our interactions in our lives though sometimes seemingly mundane carry more wight than we can possibly imagine. Not that one instance is weighted against another but in the master plan (if you want to call it that) those seemingly trivial words and actions play a part in making the whole. we may never see the end result but i do believe it is there.

So what happened and happens to me does matter... for me and for others... some I may not even know yet. Mine and my daughter's are just as an integral part in this as anyone else's.

And that's where Grace comes in...

For me, Grace is shown in this:
That people have entered my life in timely ways throughout that have allowed me to survive losing my wife suddenly to an accident. To allow me to raise my daughter and for the most part allow it happen in a way in which she could grow and thrive. Grace has placed me in a family and a circle of friends that could not have been more supportive throughout the years. Grace has brought back people in my life to encourage and guide me onward. Grace has brought new people into my life since to give it new colors...new flavors...new textures. Grace has placed in a workplace with people that have allowed me to try and find that balance i need and are sensitive to my predicament.

Grace... has not judged me but has blessed me... despite my actions, decisions, words, thoughts, situation...

Karma? karma fails in the light of Grace. Karma is for suckers…

And if you ever catch me forgetting or stating the contrary? Call me to the carpet for it... really... just nail me with a 2X4.

I'll end with the lyrics of a U2 song and this thought:

Dig a hole... Grace fills it up

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

an aside...

something about me that i have found i rather dislike...

if something gets in my head, an idea, a lyric, a melody...it really bothers me until i can get it out...

sometimes it's simple...an unwanted song gets in my head? find another song to replace it.

others...

last night was a good example. the combination of that U2 song, last week's sermon and our discussion created a storm in my head that needed release...or better put, it needed to be expressed, formed.

so the annoying thing for me is that i find it hard to be fully present when this happens. when i was breaking guitar strings last weekend during service, man...when i wasn't playing that's all that filled my head. it sucked. now, i do have the ability to partition this off for a period of time...but it will rear it's bothersome little self until i do something about it...

when i got home last night, i tried to work it on the guitar...no avail...

then i started putting pieces of things from the past week together and just started writing...voila! new blog entry...idea mostly formed and out...sleep ensued...

so there you have it...

contentment part deux..Achtung Baby!

ok...so i lied...

well, really i didn't...it's just that i forgot about certain instances is all.

tonite, i had boldly claimed that i didn't know what it was like to be content during our discussion time. but there are moments that i do find contentment...it's when i have my guitar in my hand. that being said, in the present there are only a couple cases here this is true. one is when i'm playing and singing my daughter to sleep. the other is when i'm playing just for myself. there used to be time when playing at church was included in this, whether in small or large groups but not now. oh, i do still really enjoy playing for some of the groups at church or for service but it's not the same as before. there is a missing piece...or should i say a missing peace.

i was talking to a friend of mine recently and was sharing with her a bit of this. she mentioned that she felt as if i were re-discovering something but i was also being challenged to go beyond where i was before. that i needed to "let go" of some things that were preventing me from really experiencing that state of freedom and joy that i was seeking in those moments. she also said that this was just a small example of what i was being challenged with. letting go of certain ideas so that i could grow forward. to stop being self-conscious...to let go...to trust...

that last part is hard for me. but now i'm seeing it in a way that turns it into a negative that i want to rectify.

the only thing that is keeping me from contentment is me.

sure, that's a pretty easy statement to make especially after last weekend's sermon but what it means for each person is obviously different. for me, saying that i wasn't content and didn't know how to be nor know what it was like was just a way of keeping me discontent. when in truth...i did have a glimmer of what it could feel like to be in that place.

there's that U2 song...you know the one..sing it with me...

"i have climbed...highest mountains..."
"...only to be with you"
"but i still haven't found what i'm looking for..."

i'm going with the obvious here...but these lyrics sum up where i am in a nice easy package. it's not a great revelation but i think for each seeker, the ideas need to turn in the right direction so that they fit in the way that makes sense. like keys and locks to use another obvious example.

the road to contentment is a journey, but not an endless one. i'm not going to find it somewhere else, in something else, nor someone else. but God wouldn't send us on a quest without hope. that's just not how He works despite how i might feel at times. He's given me something as a reminder as well as a proof for what it is that i seek. something that is readily accessible to me as long as i desire it and seek it. contentment is a state of being.

contentment is not about being happy...it's about being fulfilled, no matter what...

"...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do anything through him who gives me strength"
Pilippians 4:11-12(NIV)

and the only one keeping me from it is myself...

so onward i go to find it.

dig a hole...fill it up...

ok...i know, wrong album but that just seemed like a better title for this entry...

just for the record:
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Joshua Tree
track #2

happy?

contentment...and the voice of the Devil, which i imagine to be high and squeeky...

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have. ~ Unknown

It's funny that this was the topic that taught at church this last weekend.

I have found that when I was sitting at the bottom of that well these past few months that though it was not the main theme running through the halls of my psyche it was a constant nagging and cruel under-current. No matter what was going thru me mentally or emotionally, that was the ever whispered voice that would try and drag me back into the dark whenever I made a move to get up off my ass and try to join the world of the seemingly normal.

Ok. There's a part of me that will say, "hey bud, that's the enemy talkin' at you. stop listening..."

And then the other half screams back, "yeah? I know! But what if i'm really not and I deserve something else!"

I don't need Satan nor one of his imps to remind me of what's gone wrong in my life, thank you very much... the things i wished I didn't do or said. decisions made poorly... rashly, un-wisely...

No... I'm fucking good at doing that all on my own. I can beat the schitte out of myself better than Edward Norton in "Fight Club". No... that's not the enemy talkin’, it's me. all me. oh sure... I'm fairly certain that he has some hand in it but the part is minor, kinda like an extra on the set... just standing there and getting a free meal at my expense of misery.

Now, I'm not saying this is true of everyone... not at all. I'm just speaking for myself here. but I've found that when my voice is the loudest...a nd not God's? I'm in for a world of hurt. because where my voice hurts and is irrational, His heals and brings comfort... and order. The trick is this. just because I don't always understand God's order doesn't mean there isn't… order. Simple, yes? We can't fathom "God". I guess if we could? Is HE/SHE the type of god you'd want to follow, trust, believe in? No, prolly not. If we could, what good would He be? What "use" would "God" be?

God wants good for me. I have no doubt about that. what we forget is that though WE want good for ourselves as well, we don't always make the best choices as far as what "good for us". So when we don't have it... we want it. we don't know what it is... but we want it anyways. And? So we are discontent. And? So we don't see that up to this current point in our lives... we have more than we need. We have more than we need to get to the next place. Sometimes more than we need means that we have less than we just had? And sometimes... ok, sometimes we really do have more than we need.

If we listen to our own voices, we'll never see that. if we listen to God's voice, we can learn to trust that...

I really don't have any other answers for attaining contentment...no more nuggets of wisdom. why? because admittedly, I'm still struggling with it. Maybe when I reach the 44th level of contentment I may have something for you. But then again... prolly not.

No… all I've learned thru this so far is that my voice is wrong and so I need to stop talking and start listening… and even though I don't understand what i'm hearing, I need to trust it. It's proven true time and again that God will speak something that I don't trust fully and only realize later what He/She meant, and I need only understand what I need to for the moment. I just believe in time more will be revealed. It may not be as much as iIwant... but it's all that I need for the time being.

Hard? For me? Effin’ "A" it is. It totally is...

But… I believe it'll be worth it all... and that's enough for now...

and here...

dig a hole...fill it up...

the needs of the many...

this past weekend, some guys from church got together for a Super Bowl party while the wives were at a bridal shower and a baby shower. (some both but not all). so all the kids were with the dads in this townhouse...all girls...4-6 years of age...

needless to say, by half-time they're pretty restless...stir crazy as it were, so i decided to take the 6 kids out to the playground about a quarter mile away in the complex. you know, get 'em...running around. tire 'em out a bit. once outside, "let's race!" i proclaim as i start off in a trot towards the playground...

they're all running and screaming as i speed up and slow down accordingly...you know, give them the illusion of possibly winning...but, you know there's no way in H-E double hockey sticks that i'm going to let these kids beat me.

no. stinkin. way...

ok...i know, i'm a forty year old man. ok...forty-one...whatever. what does beating a bunch of overgrown toddlers in a race really going to mean to me? nothing really...

but still...

no. stinkin. way...

well...apparently, kyleigh has figured this out as well...

"Daddy!" as she stops running
"I'm tired! I want Daddy! I want Daddy's shoulders" walking towards me after i've stopped and the other kids have flown by me...
"Daddy!" almost crying as she nears me...
"Ok kyky...Daddy's shoulders..." as i turn towards her with arms stretched out (i think maybe she's just really tired from the long day)

she gives me a big smile, which warms my heart.

temporarily...

until i realize what's about to transpire...

she breaks into a dead run...not to me...but by me...right by me...full speed...

"bye Daddy!" as she joins the other girls in beating me to the playground...laughing all the way...

not even looking back to see the horror and dismay in my expression.

she sacrificed her desire to win...just so i wouldn't...and all the girls (even the smallest)would get there before i did.

damn...

i almost teared up...almost...

but not...

when life gives you lemons...or posies...or crap...

"when Life gives you lemons... you make lemonade"

I hate this saying...really, I do.

Here’s what I don't like about it… it's too easy. Some platitude. It’s not really a good analogy for what to do when Life isn’t smiling upon you…eeerrrrr possibly when it feels like Life is actually out to get you… and get you good, really good.

Lemons are, inherently good are they not? I know, I know…lemons are sour…sour represents the hard parts in life. but the sour generally in those examples are tempered with the sweet. Just look at this example. take something sour, add water and sugar and you’ve got something good.

easy peasy, nice n’ easy…

yeah...life ain't easy, is it?

“Lemon tree very, very pretty and teh lemon flower is sweet. But the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat…”

Of course, sour in and of itself really isn’t that bad is it? I mean from a culinary aspect, sour is good since it can be used to temper the intensity of other tastes… sweet, rich, salty. such as in life, it helps temper and enhance those other facets of life as well... And enhances other flavors. The sweet, the salty. So lemons are good and if used or put in its proper perspective… it enhances the good in other things.

See? It doesn’t work…

I think people like the lemonade analogy because it gives them hope that they can conquer anything that life can send their way. Trivializing it to the point where they feel they can deal with it? Perhaps. But I think that type of thinking hurts more than helps because there are some situations so schitty… so in-uncomprehendingly awful…you can’t see the other end. I know, i’ve been there… really… I have…

So, let’s try something that might work better. something that might really represent the schittiness that Life can drop on us…

Pig vomit…

“when life gives you pig vomit…”

Ok… what do you do with pig vomit? Anything good come out of that? Bacon? Ham? Not if the pig is gone…

So here's something where there is nothing recognizably good at all.

Yup… not much, if anything, yeah?

Life can be pretty fucky at times… and sometimes, for no reason whatsoever, it likes to revisit you. Not the event mind you… just the emotions generated from that event. So what do you do then? What do you do when Life takes a giant steaming dump on your head…

Sometimes… nothing. nothing at all(other than cleaning yourself off)... and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There is no mandate that you need to make something good out of every negative situation. The act of surviving and growing beyond that experience may be all that is being asked of you.

The mere act of getting through the schitt to live another day, exist another day…

to be able learn something and pass on that nugget of wisdom from your experience…

Yeah… maybe, that’s all you can hope for…and it’s enough.

So what do we do?

I think all we can do in some situations is to just move on. If we can, clean up the me.…and go on to the next. sometimes, you can't even do that... but you still have to move on. You may just have to letrsomeone else clean that up for you. It may not be your job.

Sure, the stink may still be there… and there may be a stain for good amount of time, sure. It's all part of Life... but it’ll be in the past. More often than not, you may enter that room and the stain or a linger smell may bring back some negative memories and emotions, but at this point… you know you’ve gotten past it once and you can do it again.

The major idea...thing is... that you just need to keep moving… even if that just means treading water and staying afloat. Like i've said before, sometimes that’s the most you can ask for in some situations. Even if it feels like you aren’t making progress. By not slipping beneath the waves of despair, you are making progress. you are surviving. making sure you’re not being pulled down into the darkness.

SURVIVING.

You can’t control what life drops on you…you can only control your response to it. God will take care of the rest… and you know He/She will.

So… when life decides to give you pig vomit?

Clean it up… move along…

Shake it off, step up…

Dig a hole, fill it up...

do you remember the time...

i don't know what brought this to mind but the memory totally busted me up...

ok...kyleigh must've been maybe...ohhh, 18-20 months old at this point? just after she started walking? ok...maybe younger...

she's sittin' in her booster chair finishing lunch as i clean up....

she's having an imaginary conversation w/ someone... i dunno who, but it's all babble but w/ you know, with the proper lilts in voice and intonations as if you were having a real conversation...it's pretty entertaining as is...

then she get's that look...that kinda...you know...kinda wistful, looking off into the imaginary distance with her index finger to her chin...rhythmically tapping...voice going softer as she tries to remember...

and then excitement as if she remembers some event and then...

serious guffawing...i mean head thrown back, eyes wound shut, mouth wide open, booster chair rocking, gut-busting laughter...

if you ever heard her laugh...you'd know what i mean.

she...is just like her mom in that way...