remembering pops... part one

this one is way overdue...

i was thinking of my dad this past father's day. it's been a nearly 18 years since he passed away the day after Christmas in 1992. it's strange because it hasn't really seemed that long ago and yet with each passing year it seems i remember less and less about who and how he was...or perhaps my memories are just now more selective?

i remember the day my dad was diagnosed and when i was told that he would have six months to live. i remember because my sister, Cecelia, who told me used the exact same words about 20 years before when my mom was admitted into the hospital with severe hyper-tension...

"Greg, this is serious..."

i remember seeing my dad in extreme discomfort...

i remember him barely able to communicate with me...

i remember the night i drove him to the emergency room. how i asked him before we left if i could pray for him, him nodding in acknowledgment...telling him that i loved him and asking if he understood that and him nodding back in acknowledgment...

i remember the drive to Stanford at 3AM, checking him into the ER...

i don't remember what i told the nurses and doctors...

i do remember the hardest decision i made up to that point in my life and how i still feel angry at myself and wish my dad could/would forgive me for...

when they wanted to check him in, he and i both knew it would be for the last time. he wanted to go home... it's all he would say in the demanding tone i so seldom heard from him growing up....

i knew i couldn't as it would have just meant a return trip, prolly in an ambulance and i had to tell my dad he had to stay to be taken cared of...

i lied (he knew it too) that the doctors there would/could help...

i remember my dad giving in knowing that was what was best for my mom...to not see him die slowly at home unable to help...

i remember the visits to the hospital and then the hospice...

i remember spending Christmas day with him there in 1992 and then going to the Lyon's in downtown San Leandro for my Christmas dinner...

i remember getting the call the next day that he had passed...

and then everything that followed was a bit of a blur...


life went on and it didn't for awhile and i wondered who would be my example now as a future husband and father. i wondered who'd i'd go to when i needed those questions answered.

as the years have passed, i found the answer was...my dad.

to be continued...