i remember pops... part deux

one of the things i really did think of (besides, oh shit...i'm gonna end up taking care of momsies, ain't i?) was who i was going to talk to about those milestones in life as i got to them. marriage...fatherhood...career...

i guess i naively believed that pops was going to be around for those things to pass on whatever wisdom he could. i mean, people lived to be like 80, right?

even when he first fell ill...i never considered the possibility that he wouldn't be around to see my eventual kid(s) so he could dote on them as he did all the other grandkiddlins. it wasn't until my sister pulled me aside that the possibility of him not being around hit me... and it wasn't for a few months after his passing that i really began to dread the idea of not having his presence in my life for those life changes...

look...
i know i didn't have a perfect dad, who does? but still, he was (and perhaps my grandfather as well in small ways) going to be my example for becoming a husband and a father. for good or bad? prolly yeah...

i found out pretty much...he would still fulfill that role.

i wrote my dad letters for several years after he passed. it was my way of grieving as well as staying connected with him.. it brought back memories both good and bad...but mostly, surprisingly good. not so much for things he told me but his actions. things he did on a daily basis.
better
it's from those memories that he was able to mentor me along even if he wasn't physically here to do so...and in some ways, perhaps better that he wasn't around. that way, the things that i found that were negative and didn't want to repeat, i didn't have to w/out him being around to look at me dis-approvingly. ha!

yeah...

i basically looked at who my dad was and what he did. how he treated me. how he treated my mom, my siblings, the grandpups. how he treated friends and work associates. who he was in everyday life...

i took the good and chose not to repeat or become the bad...

and that's who i decided i would be.

perfect? no. faulted? unabashedly faulted...

why? because i'm still figuring it all out. what husband and or father isn't? there's always more to learn, more to grow, more to change and modify and improvise adapt and even yes...overcome (thanks Gunny Highway).

my dad wasn't around, but he was the framework i used to build on who i wanted to become. in the years that have passed, i've found my dad has done and continues to do a pretty damn good job of bringing me along...despite myself...

so...

i remember my dad for the good... and the bad.

and that's how he will be...here, to help me thru those life stages.

works for me...