i'm a real nowhere man...

maybe i is and maybe i isn't...

been mulling a bit lately as to where and when this journey for "change" actually started.

change.

yeah i guess that is the word for it.

a few summers ago i went to visit a friend up in Seattle....errr Redmond to be exact. i was pretty much crispity from several work engagements that were not only high stress...but required travel. i think she had meant to...for lack of a better term, confront me about a few things. as it was, she waited until the end of the visit to lay it in me...actually, on the way to the airport...

basically, she told me while praying for me, she had a vision of me in the middle of the dessert, in the middle of nowhere, holed up in a shack by myself...isolated.

even though in the moment, it made me rock backwards a bit...it took me awhile to really grasp what it meant and i did realize that's exactly what i was doing. i was isolating myself from people. not asking for help, not interacting, not seeking out...not connecting with people at all. i don't know why that's me...but it pretty much is...well me.

i tend to try and not be a bother to people...trouble them in any way

the best i can explain is that i'm an introvert and when i'm faced with adversity, pain or stress...i turn inwards.

her point was this...

if i isolate myself, how do i expect to experience God's love for me?

God uses others to show His love to us. by not letting others show their love to me by helping me...i'm denying God the opportunity to shower His love on me...

whoah...

this has taken me till now to even begin really grasping...understanding...willing to live...

sure i let people help me in small ways...and always of my choosing. and usually things that aren't that big of a deal so that i don't feel as if i'm imposing. but what about the really hard tings...the embarrassing things? what are they, hard or embarrassing? why are they?

that i'm still trying to grasp....still trying to live and act upon.

more later? but i'm sure it has alot to do about the un-looked for favor or act of grace....

but there i was...the nowhere man...

i'm not sureci want to be the "somewhere" man...but i really don't want to be the other guy anymore...

He's a real nowhere man
Living in his nowhere land
making all his nowhere plans
for nobody

yeah... really really really don't want to be that guy...

really really