George Costanza is a GENIUS!

so...today is my birthday... whoop tee do...

actually, today has been a good day so far...for a variety of reasons that aren't related to that which most people celebrate on their day of birth. more accurately, it's been a good day in a string of bad ones because of one decision i made a few weeks ago...

for years, which started after my Dad's passing, i've always wanted to spend my birthday alone. even when i was dating my late wife, even while we were married. the only birthday i didn't spend the majority alone actually was the last one i had with her, and my first with my daughter. that was my first birthday to be spent with "my" family...and apparently it was the one and only. it's always been a day for me to do nothing really. read, eat, drink coffee, reflect, journal, pray...you get the picture. it was a day for me to indulge my introvert self.

this year...well, this year i'm going with the George Costanza theory. in one episode of "Seinfeld", George decides that every instinct, every decision he has made in life is wrong and therefore is going to do the complete opposite. instead of tuna on toast, coleslaw and a cup of coffee...chicken salad...on rye, un-toasted...with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea! it's a tv show, yeah...but that doesn't mean there isn't a nugget of truth or inspiration that can be derived from it. i'm not saying that i'm analyzing every decision and doing the opposite, no. but in certain circumstances...it is the right and perhaps healthier thing to choose.

when depression sets in, my natural inclination is to do nothing and give in to the fear, the negative feelings...the desire to curl up and hide. i'm choosing this season to use George as my inspiration. instead of retreating and giving in to the fear and anxiety, i will get my ass out of bed and move forward...even if i make mistakes...even if it means i will fail to some degree. instead of surrounding myself in anonymity...i will step out and be a participant.

this has not been a great year. it hasn't ended badly...just disappointing and a feeling of things unresolved or more accurately, still to be resolved. after starting off 2009 with what i thought would be one of positive change and forward momentum, it has not come to pass the way that i had envisioned nor had hoped. that does not mean it has been a bad year...not by far. but not quite what i thought it had promised last January. to be forthright, there has been much positive change in my life. there is much changing in me that is good...no...awesome (thank you Barney Stinson). looking back, it has taken those experiences that gave me what i needed to initiate and sustain change. again, choosing to go against the norm wisely.

a friend said today something extremely accurate and poignant...
"it is a crock to say the best advice to someone looking to change is to be true to yourself and your convictions all the time. sometimes, the only way to change yourself is to do things like someone else...someone you'd rather be..."
paraphrased of course...

exactly true in my case. i needed to step out of the norm...out of my comfort zone. push down some walls and step outside of my "box" to initiate and sustain change. it's not an easy or comfortable choice. but it's keeping me from giving in to the darkness.

today, instead of spending my day alone and wallowing in myself, i hung out with two amazing people from my church, a church filled with amazing people. in a few hours over simple cups of coffee and meandering conversations, i have found connections that have and will continue to challenge and encourage me. in these simple interactions i find community. thanks dudes...

so on my birthday, i will raise my first glass not to myself, but to George Costanza...for his example shall be the beacon i choose to follow out of the hole i'm in...

whatever...

i am...a lucky man if for no other reason that here on Earth, i am surrounded with and acquainted with some of the most incredible people ever. i have said it many a time but i have the best friends in the world bar none...and i challenge anyone to prove me wrong. i will take on and defeat all comers.

the first and all subsequent glasses will be raised to them always. God doesn't need a glass...but He does keep filling mine...

dig a hole...fill it up...