doldrums...

as one could well see (if there were any followers...and i really doubt that there are any) i don't, haven't had the time to write much...
that doesn't mean i have nothing to write...but most of the time, they are just snippets...snapshots of life experiences and observations that have no real...interest to anyone but prolly me...

lately...life has been pretty much a downer. don't get me wrong, in this season of thanksgiving and celebration...i know deep in the innermost parts of my being that i have much to celebrate and be thankful for in my life...i won't bore you with any details. but i'm having a hard time "being" and or "feeling" blessed or thankful...and by "being" i mean "owning" it i guess.

now, knowing and feeling are two things which in my mind are not mutually exclusive. you can know that you are but not feel like you are. " knowing" and "being" doesn't require any real action on my part, whereas "feeling"...well, there is that response component to that. if i feel a certain way, i'm sure to act upon in some fashion at some point in time...yes? not "feeling" it will spawn another reaction/response altogether as well...usually one that isn't very healthy depending on the choices one might make in response.

so...i'm stuck. stuck in between the knowledge without having the benefit of the reward of that in which i know. actually, it's worse...because i actually "feel" either the opposite or nothing at all...and wondering what it would be like to be able to feel that which i also know. to be able to be lifted out of the trough i'm in. desperate? hmmm. no, not quite there yet...but wondering nonetheless what it might be like to merge these to worlds together. it's been so long since i've been able to feel as if i'm "aligned" that i am no longer able to remember what i did to get there and to recapture it now.

perhaps it has nothing to do with any actions on my part or anything i can control directly...indirectly? perhaps it's a state of mind. perhaps i'm actually striving for that for which i long by merely getting off my ass everyday and "living" rather than give in to feeling to just sit and merely "exist"...as if that really is "existing"? i don't know. but i've had enough of the way i'm feeling. i've had enough of it re-visiting me over and over again over the last 15 plus years (since my father passed away). it's time for change i feel. a "new" me? no, there is really no such creature. if Darwin and all his disciples were correct... i'm "evolving". that being said...they are only partially correct... and no, i'm not evolving. i think i just want to be more accountable to my better self...

more to come... maybe. no promises...