here's one of the many ways how my daughter totally keeps me entertained.
one day last week or two weeks ago after it had been quite cold here, it had started raining quite a bit. we were driving home from church when she asks me...
"daddy? is it warmer than the other night?"
"why, yeah it is a bit warmer"
"daddy? why is it warmer when it rains?"
here was my chance to stump her...
"kyky, it's warmer because when it rains water changes it's state from gas to liquid. in doing so, it releases heat. state changes usually means that either energy is used up or released. these are called exothermic and endothermic reactions. when it rains, gas water is turned to liquid water, an exothermic reaction where energy in the form of heat is released. and that's why it's warmer when it rains sometimes."
about a 3 second pause where i think i have finally...
"daddy? i think it rains because God knows we needed the rain for water. water for the animals, and plants and people. so we can have water to drink for everyone...even if animals drink water in mud. and it's warmer because God knows we've had enough cold and too many people are sick from it being cold..."
yup...she's definitely her mother's daughter and infinitely smarter than i am...
Monday, December 28, 2009
Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up...
i guess i've posted a bit that may need some explanation or at least some background...but not too much. i mean, why bore you all? but since mostly no one is reading this...
no matter. i will keep the back story mostly brief and vague.
i'm your basic immigrant dumbass who grew up here in the US of A after immigrating here after my family did (a story for later i suppose?). unlike my siblings, i grew up here minus my first 3 months of existence. i grew up in suburbia with a mix of friends from different ethnicity's in the 70's and 80's. to be honest, not until i was an adult did i find out i grew up in one of the most racist cities in the United States (thank you, Brian Copeland!). is that good or bad? i don't know. i do know i had a good childhood. i do know that most all of my long term friendships were developed then. basically, the 70's and 80s were good to me. maybe too good. maybe they didn't prepare me for my later years.
fast forward to the 90's and the 00's. not so bueno. not to say that good things didn't happen? just a lot of things i may have preferred to either not happen or have happened differently...and my responses to some of those events? let's just say that if i could build a time machine...
i had to take some time off working (while in school) to help care for my mother when my father lost his sight due to a diabetic episode. i decided to take a leave of absence from school to take care of my father who was now terminally ill...as well as my mother. i was kicked out of school during this time for completing the wrong forms for that time off. after the passing of my father, i put life on semi-hold to help care for my chronically ill mother... for the next 6 plus years. she passed 5 months before my wedding...
fast forward 7 years...
my wife of nearly 7 years, (we were together 13 years overall) passed away from an accidental drowning 4 months after the birth of our daughter...on New Year's Day '05. yeah, those 2 decades were not happy ones. did i mention that i suffered through about a year of depression before i figured out what i was feeling was depression? no? eh, in the grand scheme it's prolly not that big of a deal.
through all these events, i've had to make choices regarding how to deal with each one and keep moving and growing from them. or not moving or growing from them depending on how you look at it. i'm not sure i regret all of my choices but i do know i regret quite a few. ok, more than a few. ok, alot. doesn't mean that i didn't learn from each good or bad decision. just means that i wish i may have learned those lessons in different less painful ways? perhaps also not learning some lessons more than once.
you can't control what happens to you in life, but you can control how you respond to those events. moving forward in life. i've decided that i really need to look harder at exactly that...how i respond to life's hairpin turns. how i make choices...and the choices i make. it's taken me 5 years now since my wife's passing for me to really decide that i need to more intentional about moving and growing forward....which is partly why i decided to start this blog i guess. i just needed to do something different and i needed an outlet.
so...there you have it. not short or vague as i promised...but at least it's there for all or none to see.
now back to our regularly scheduled programming...
no matter. i will keep the back story mostly brief and vague.
i'm your basic immigrant dumbass who grew up here in the US of A after immigrating here after my family did (a story for later i suppose?). unlike my siblings, i grew up here minus my first 3 months of existence. i grew up in suburbia with a mix of friends from different ethnicity's in the 70's and 80's. to be honest, not until i was an adult did i find out i grew up in one of the most racist cities in the United States (thank you, Brian Copeland!). is that good or bad? i don't know. i do know i had a good childhood. i do know that most all of my long term friendships were developed then. basically, the 70's and 80s were good to me. maybe too good. maybe they didn't prepare me for my later years.
fast forward to the 90's and the 00's. not so bueno. not to say that good things didn't happen? just a lot of things i may have preferred to either not happen or have happened differently...and my responses to some of those events? let's just say that if i could build a time machine...
i had to take some time off working (while in school) to help care for my mother when my father lost his sight due to a diabetic episode. i decided to take a leave of absence from school to take care of my father who was now terminally ill...as well as my mother. i was kicked out of school during this time for completing the wrong forms for that time off. after the passing of my father, i put life on semi-hold to help care for my chronically ill mother... for the next 6 plus years. she passed 5 months before my wedding...
fast forward 7 years...
my wife of nearly 7 years, (we were together 13 years overall) passed away from an accidental drowning 4 months after the birth of our daughter...on New Year's Day '05. yeah, those 2 decades were not happy ones. did i mention that i suffered through about a year of depression before i figured out what i was feeling was depression? no? eh, in the grand scheme it's prolly not that big of a deal.
through all these events, i've had to make choices regarding how to deal with each one and keep moving and growing from them. or not moving or growing from them depending on how you look at it. i'm not sure i regret all of my choices but i do know i regret quite a few. ok, more than a few. ok, alot. doesn't mean that i didn't learn from each good or bad decision. just means that i wish i may have learned those lessons in different less painful ways? perhaps also not learning some lessons more than once.
you can't control what happens to you in life, but you can control how you respond to those events. moving forward in life. i've decided that i really need to look harder at exactly that...how i respond to life's hairpin turns. how i make choices...and the choices i make. it's taken me 5 years now since my wife's passing for me to really decide that i need to more intentional about moving and growing forward....which is partly why i decided to start this blog i guess. i just needed to do something different and i needed an outlet.
so...there you have it. not short or vague as i promised...but at least it's there for all or none to see.
now back to our regularly scheduled programming...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
George Costanza is a GENIUS!
so...today is my birthday... whoop tee do...
actually, today has been a good day so far...for a variety of reasons that aren't related to that which most people celebrate on their day of birth. more accurately, it's been a good day in a string of bad ones because of one decision i made a few weeks ago...
for years, which started after my Dad's passing, i've always wanted to spend my birthday alone. even when i was dating my late wife, even while we were married. the only birthday i didn't spend the majority alone actually was the last one i had with her, and my first with my daughter. that was my first birthday to be spent with "my" family...and apparently it was the one and only. it's always been a day for me to do nothing really. read, eat, drink coffee, reflect, journal, pray...you get the picture. it was a day for me to indulge my introvert self.
this year...well, this year i'm going with the George Costanza theory. in one episode of "Seinfeld", George decides that every instinct, every decision he has made in life is wrong and therefore is going to do the complete opposite. instead of tuna on toast, coleslaw and a cup of coffee...chicken salad...on rye, un-toasted...with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea! it's a tv show, yeah...but that doesn't mean there isn't a nugget of truth or inspiration that can be derived from it. i'm not saying that i'm analyzing every decision and doing the opposite, no. but in certain circumstances...it is the right and perhaps healthier thing to choose.
when depression sets in, my natural inclination is to do nothing and give in to the fear, the negative feelings...the desire to curl up and hide. i'm choosing this season to use George as my inspiration. instead of retreating and giving in to the fear and anxiety, i will get my ass out of bed and move forward...even if i make mistakes...even if it means i will fail to some degree. instead of surrounding myself in anonymity...i will step out and be a participant.
this has not been a great year. it hasn't ended badly...just disappointing and a feeling of things unresolved or more accurately, still to be resolved. after starting off 2009 with what i thought would be one of positive change and forward momentum, it has not come to pass the way that i had envisioned nor had hoped. that does not mean it has been a bad year...not by far. but not quite what i thought it had promised last January. to be forthright, there has been much positive change in my life. there is much changing in me that is good...no...awesome (thank you Barney Stinson). looking back, it has taken those experiences that gave me what i needed to initiate and sustain change. again, choosing to go against the norm wisely.
a friend said today something extremely accurate and poignant...
"it is a crock to say the best advice to someone looking to change is to be true to yourself and your convictions all the time. sometimes, the only way to change yourself is to do things like someone else...someone you'd rather be..."
paraphrased of course...
exactly true in my case. i needed to step out of the norm...out of my comfort zone. push down some walls and step outside of my "box" to initiate and sustain change. it's not an easy or comfortable choice. but it's keeping me from giving in to the darkness.
today, instead of spending my day alone and wallowing in myself, i hung out with two amazing people from my church, a church filled with amazing people. in a few hours over simple cups of coffee and meandering conversations, i have found connections that have and will continue to challenge and encourage me. in these simple interactions i find community. thanks dudes...
so on my birthday, i will raise my first glass not to myself, but to George Costanza...for his example shall be the beacon i choose to follow out of the hole i'm in...
whatever...
i am...a lucky man if for no other reason that here on Earth, i am surrounded with and acquainted with some of the most incredible people ever. i have said it many a time but i have the best friends in the world bar none...and i challenge anyone to prove me wrong. i will take on and defeat all comers.
the first and all subsequent glasses will be raised to them always. God doesn't need a glass...but He does keep filling mine...
dig a hole...fill it up...
actually, today has been a good day so far...for a variety of reasons that aren't related to that which most people celebrate on their day of birth. more accurately, it's been a good day in a string of bad ones because of one decision i made a few weeks ago...
for years, which started after my Dad's passing, i've always wanted to spend my birthday alone. even when i was dating my late wife, even while we were married. the only birthday i didn't spend the majority alone actually was the last one i had with her, and my first with my daughter. that was my first birthday to be spent with "my" family...and apparently it was the one and only. it's always been a day for me to do nothing really. read, eat, drink coffee, reflect, journal, pray...you get the picture. it was a day for me to indulge my introvert self.
this year...well, this year i'm going with the George Costanza theory. in one episode of "Seinfeld", George decides that every instinct, every decision he has made in life is wrong and therefore is going to do the complete opposite. instead of tuna on toast, coleslaw and a cup of coffee...chicken salad...on rye, un-toasted...with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea! it's a tv show, yeah...but that doesn't mean there isn't a nugget of truth or inspiration that can be derived from it. i'm not saying that i'm analyzing every decision and doing the opposite, no. but in certain circumstances...it is the right and perhaps healthier thing to choose.
when depression sets in, my natural inclination is to do nothing and give in to the fear, the negative feelings...the desire to curl up and hide. i'm choosing this season to use George as my inspiration. instead of retreating and giving in to the fear and anxiety, i will get my ass out of bed and move forward...even if i make mistakes...even if it means i will fail to some degree. instead of surrounding myself in anonymity...i will step out and be a participant.
this has not been a great year. it hasn't ended badly...just disappointing and a feeling of things unresolved or more accurately, still to be resolved. after starting off 2009 with what i thought would be one of positive change and forward momentum, it has not come to pass the way that i had envisioned nor had hoped. that does not mean it has been a bad year...not by far. but not quite what i thought it had promised last January. to be forthright, there has been much positive change in my life. there is much changing in me that is good...no...awesome (thank you Barney Stinson). looking back, it has taken those experiences that gave me what i needed to initiate and sustain change. again, choosing to go against the norm wisely.
a friend said today something extremely accurate and poignant...
"it is a crock to say the best advice to someone looking to change is to be true to yourself and your convictions all the time. sometimes, the only way to change yourself is to do things like someone else...someone you'd rather be..."
paraphrased of course...
exactly true in my case. i needed to step out of the norm...out of my comfort zone. push down some walls and step outside of my "box" to initiate and sustain change. it's not an easy or comfortable choice. but it's keeping me from giving in to the darkness.
today, instead of spending my day alone and wallowing in myself, i hung out with two amazing people from my church, a church filled with amazing people. in a few hours over simple cups of coffee and meandering conversations, i have found connections that have and will continue to challenge and encourage me. in these simple interactions i find community. thanks dudes...
so on my birthday, i will raise my first glass not to myself, but to George Costanza...for his example shall be the beacon i choose to follow out of the hole i'm in...
whatever...
i am...a lucky man if for no other reason that here on Earth, i am surrounded with and acquainted with some of the most incredible people ever. i have said it many a time but i have the best friends in the world bar none...and i challenge anyone to prove me wrong. i will take on and defeat all comers.
the first and all subsequent glasses will be raised to them always. God doesn't need a glass...but He does keep filling mine...
dig a hole...fill it up...
Friday, December 11, 2009
doldrums...
as one could well see (if there were any followers...and i really doubt that there are any) i don't, haven't had the time to write much...
that doesn't mean i have nothing to write...but most of the time, they are just snippets...snapshots of life experiences and observations that have no real...interest to anyone but prolly me...
lately...life has been pretty much a downer. don't get me wrong, in this season of thanksgiving and celebration...i know deep in the innermost parts of my being that i have much to celebrate and be thankful for in my life...i won't bore you with any details. but i'm having a hard time "being" and or "feeling" blessed or thankful...and by "being" i mean "owning" it i guess.
now, knowing and feeling are two things which in my mind are not mutually exclusive. you can know that you are but not feel like you are. " knowing" and "being" doesn't require any real action on my part, whereas "feeling"...well, there is that response component to that. if i feel a certain way, i'm sure to act upon in some fashion at some point in time...yes? not "feeling" it will spawn another reaction/response altogether as well...usually one that isn't very healthy depending on the choices one might make in response.
so...i'm stuck. stuck in between the knowledge without having the benefit of the reward of that in which i know. actually, it's worse...because i actually "feel" either the opposite or nothing at all...and wondering what it would be like to be able to feel that which i also know. to be able to be lifted out of the trough i'm in. desperate? hmmm. no, not quite there yet...but wondering nonetheless what it might be like to merge these to worlds together. it's been so long since i've been able to feel as if i'm "aligned" that i am no longer able to remember what i did to get there and to recapture it now.
perhaps it has nothing to do with any actions on my part or anything i can control directly...indirectly? perhaps it's a state of mind. perhaps i'm actually striving for that for which i long by merely getting off my ass everyday and "living" rather than give in to feeling to just sit and merely "exist"...as if that really is "existing"? i don't know. but i've had enough of the way i'm feeling. i've had enough of it re-visiting me over and over again over the last 15 plus years (since my father passed away). it's time for change i feel. a "new" me? no, there is really no such creature. if Darwin and all his disciples were correct... i'm "evolving". that being said...they are only partially correct... and no, i'm not evolving. i think i just want to be more accountable to my better self...
more to come... maybe. no promises...
that doesn't mean i have nothing to write...but most of the time, they are just snippets...snapshots of life experiences and observations that have no real...interest to anyone but prolly me...
lately...life has been pretty much a downer. don't get me wrong, in this season of thanksgiving and celebration...i know deep in the innermost parts of my being that i have much to celebrate and be thankful for in my life...i won't bore you with any details. but i'm having a hard time "being" and or "feeling" blessed or thankful...and by "being" i mean "owning" it i guess.
now, knowing and feeling are two things which in my mind are not mutually exclusive. you can know that you are but not feel like you are. " knowing" and "being" doesn't require any real action on my part, whereas "feeling"...well, there is that response component to that. if i feel a certain way, i'm sure to act upon in some fashion at some point in time...yes? not "feeling" it will spawn another reaction/response altogether as well...usually one that isn't very healthy depending on the choices one might make in response.
so...i'm stuck. stuck in between the knowledge without having the benefit of the reward of that in which i know. actually, it's worse...because i actually "feel" either the opposite or nothing at all...and wondering what it would be like to be able to feel that which i also know. to be able to be lifted out of the trough i'm in. desperate? hmmm. no, not quite there yet...but wondering nonetheless what it might be like to merge these to worlds together. it's been so long since i've been able to feel as if i'm "aligned" that i am no longer able to remember what i did to get there and to recapture it now.
perhaps it has nothing to do with any actions on my part or anything i can control directly...indirectly? perhaps it's a state of mind. perhaps i'm actually striving for that for which i long by merely getting off my ass everyday and "living" rather than give in to feeling to just sit and merely "exist"...as if that really is "existing"? i don't know. but i've had enough of the way i'm feeling. i've had enough of it re-visiting me over and over again over the last 15 plus years (since my father passed away). it's time for change i feel. a "new" me? no, there is really no such creature. if Darwin and all his disciples were correct... i'm "evolving". that being said...they are only partially correct... and no, i'm not evolving. i think i just want to be more accountable to my better self...
more to come... maybe. no promises...
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