lalalalalalalalalalala...

we've been going thru some sermons recently about listening to God...or more specifically, asking God for guidance. which would require you to listen, yeah? it seems obvious but maybe not depending on your attitude or state of heart.

i think i had written previously a bit about my experience in not wanting to listen. not wanting to hear what God was trying to say to me...or had to say to me...

you know, fingers in ear....blahblahblahblahblah....

it was a difficult time after my wife passed away but in looking back? i had stopped really listening before that. now why? i don't know. maybe i had just had enough crap in my life happen and i really didn't want to know what else God would ask me to go thru or do. honestly, i think that was it. if i stopped listening, God wouldn't tell or ask me about something else coming down the pipeline of pain, ickiness and discomfort. i guess i wanted to be done with that. i wanted to just coast for awhile. kinda go on automatic...cruise control...auto-pilot...

i was gonna stop listening for a bit...

wrong choice...

wrong, wrong, wrong...

triple-dog-dare-wrong...

schitte happens anyways and you know what? not listening prolly makes it tons worse to go thru.

wait...lemme re-do that...

not listening makes it tons...TONS! worse to go thru

i guess i had to learn the hard way. even when i thought i was ready to listen i really wasn't. i only heard or interpreted what i heard into something i wanted to hear...and to a degree, it was a bit painful...in a revealing type of way. you know, and that's prolly the worst? when you realize you are not as well "equipped" or "mature" or whatever you think you are. more than just going thru schitte...you find that you're not as strong as you need to be to even get thru the minor crap. i'm talking just the everyday stupid schitte that just de-rails you for no reason...whatsoever. what happens when the real crappola hits the fan?

and so the answer is...you relent.

you surrender...

easy? fuck no. but you realize you relying on you has gotten you nowhere. so now you're ready to try something different. you're ready to listen and say "yes"...

one of the main points in the recent sermons about seeking God's council was to resolve to say "yes" to God before even asking the question. saying that whatever God asks...you will do. easy? hell no! me, kicking and screaming. but in the end? worth it.

really really...

i have found for me, God speaks fairly clearly when He chooses to. not always the same way everytime but pretty clear nonetheless. whether it's thru something a friend may say or you may hear in or sermon...or something you read...

or that voice...

you know the one...

the one that sounds like a trusted friend...or yours...or one you don't recognize yet feels, familiar...safe...true...

i don't know how or if God will speak to you?

i just know for me, God speaks...pretty clearly...whether i choose to listen or not.

i just need to resolve to listen and and trust...

if you dig a hole and no one sees it...