dig a hole...fill it up...

not enough Pearl Cream...

2011-11-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

because apparently, to kyky, i'm well over 100 years old...

"daddy?"

"yup..."

"when you were a kid, did you have TV?"

"uuhhh...yeah..."

"was it in color?!?!?!?"

(chimes in Jane)

"did the movies have sound?"

thanks honey....

i stop and look at a Ford Pinto in the Safeway parking lot...

"hey, kyleigh... that's what your Uncle Dennis used to drive when Daddy was your age."

"dad?"

"yeah?"

"are those the kind of cars that were around in the olden days?"

"olden days?"

"yeah... the 1800's..."

come to find out that was what they were learning in school for Ancestor Day...

oh, and "our" Ancestors apparently wore bandanas, plaid shirts and square danced.

no kyky, our ancestors wore funny clothes, shoes made out of cloth and built the White Man's railroads... all for free...

and opened up landry services and Hof Brau's...

in return? they got us hooked on opium and took our best island and seaport away from us... but we got it back a few years ago.

i guess that's a better deal than the Native American's got...

what a difference a year can make...

2011-04-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

what a difference a year makes...or a year made...

or...

last year about this time(give or take a few months…), i was really searching for a new way of doing "life". i knew changes needed to be made and made quickly and somewhat drastically. and so i began to make...well...changes...

some were easy, or so they seemed...

some were hard, or so they seemed...

in the end, change is change and in all honesty?

it is difficult...really difficult.

but…(there’s always a but… or butt…)

the hard part is really just the deciding to change...and i don't mean a half-assed one...

you really want change? then you really need to commit to it. some things will happen faster than others obviously but you also have to be honest with yourself. there are things where you need to know what you are willing to commit to and be honest with yourself… what you put in will prolly be the maximum amount of change you’ll get out of it…and prolly…more likely than not? it will be less because you half-assed it. know how much you are willing to commit to and not what you think everyone else expects you to.

and don’t expect things to change over-night…

last year, i looked back and i realized i dug a lot of holes for myself over the years. a whole lotta of ‘em! these were holes of all sorts, financial, emotional, physical, spiritual… if there’s another descriptor with an “al” at the end, throw that in there too. if there was something I could fuck up, I did it to some degree.

i'll be honest. despite my circumstances...i me and no one else dug those holes...and some were rather deep...

and wide...

sorry, couldn't help that...

well… I started to slowly fill in those holes. yeah...

maybe only a bit at a time but I pretty steadily made changes and took chances. i sold my house and moved to a smaller rental. i chose to not buy anything on a whim and made better (not great!) decisions with my money. i made better food choices as well as activity choices.

mostly? i chose to be a different person. i chose to start becoming the person i wanted to be and choosing to see that would require me to act like that person.

again, Georgie-Boy…you... are a genius…

now…does that mean that’s the reason i find myself where i am today?

should i maybe write a book and go on tour?

uuummmm…no…

what i did wasn’t a recipe for success or anything like that.

but it is the way to start a journey of change…and change can be unexpectedly (and it has been most certainly in my case) good…

and that’s what you hope for…

you can’t expect things to go your way let alone the way you would have scripted it.

life just doesn’t work that way.

and…as I’m beginning to realize, that’s what makes life pretty cool…

no…

that’s what makes life pretty awesome…

don’t get me wrong…life can suck. and at times in my life, it has sucked. as a matter of fact, it sucked pretty hard for awhile…

but life doesn’t stay suckie forever… and least if you don’t allow it to.

there are things in life that you can’t change and you have no control over.

get over it….

You

Have

No

Control

Over it….

but that’s ok… because there are things you can control…

and that’s what you focus on…

and that’s where you start…

and you just keep goin’…

you dig a hole or Life digs you hole…

get up…shake it off…fill it… keep movin’…

yeah, you can stop and reflect from time to time…

but you keep movin’…with purpose…

find a hole? fill it up…

oh…so… what happened this last year?

I worked at it and now I’m debt free…

i sold my house and moved…basically 3 times in 6 months… and I’ll prolly move one more time before the year is out...

because…

i took a chance and asked a girl at least 2001 levels above me out…

and now she’s my wife… and she’s awesome… more awesome than I deserve…

and she loves me… more than I deserve…

and we’re gonna buy a house together…

and be a family

yeah…i basically won the “life” version of the lottery…

and i’m blessed

and i'm thankful

but i know there are more holes to fill…

so i'll enjoy what Life brings…

but i’ll keep my head down too…

and keep fillin’ holes…

one at a time...

kids honesty can suck...

2011-04-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

but can be pretty damn funny too...

this morning while she was taking a shower and "Chit Chatting" with me kyky says...

daddy? i know what the biggest part of your body is!

really? my heart?

no! your belly! and your furry too!

great...

which reminded me of this exchange when she was about 3...

we were in some hawaiian restaurant getting lunch when she leans on me as says... in her sweet soft 3yr old little girl voice...

Daddy?

yeah?

i love you!

big smiles from daddy...

and then followed up in her big loud obnoxious 3yr old going on 16yr old voice...

daddy?

yeah, sweetie?

YOU HAVE A BIG HEAD!!!!

daddy's mouth drops in shock horror and and and...

you spin me right round...

2011-01-25T16:52:00.000-08:00

kyky

"watch this!"

runs,

grabs a pole,

pulls up her legs

& spins around w/ her feet up in the air.

Me
"never do that again!

"EVER!"

horror...utter horror...

i love baseball...

2010-11-18T13:59:00.001-08:00

and not because my Giants won the World Series this year...although that was quite an experience to watch the season unfold and to see it culminate in a championship...

simply awesome...

baseball plays itself out much like life and is, at least for me, a blueprint for how i view and live out my life...

i've had the pleasure and honor of playing for a few championship teams in my life thru recreational baseball or softball. in each, i wasn't a star player. i wasn't even a major player. but i was a contributor and more importantly, when my opportunity came, i contributed in the deciding games.

that's what life is about, know your role, accept your role, fulfill it to the best of your abilities. support your teammates no matter what and step up when called upon. if you don't get your chance today, you'll get your chance the next game...or the next...

and act like you've done it before and will do it again...

that, in a nutshell is life...

there's a line in "You've Got Mail" where Joe Fox (F-O-X)states that "The Godfather is the I Ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question..."

no Joe...Baseball is...

you ain't leading but two things...

2010-11-16T22:01:00.000-08:00

kyky and i were having a conversation about who has authority over her...you know, me, teachers, aunts, uncles and my fiancee...

she didn't like the idea that so many people were the boss of her...

"daddy, even my friends are the boss of me!"

hold on there...

what?

what, what????

"who says that they are the boss of you?"

she names a kid who i know to be one of "those" kids...we'll just call him by his first initial...you know, protect the identity and all that crap...

well, "A" (for Aiden...oooops!) tells her he's the boss of her and other kids...

so i said...

"you tell him he's the boss of two things, Jack and Shit and Jack left town!"

ok... i didn't say that exactly... but did i want to...oh sweet Mary mother of Jesus did i want to...

i said...

"you tell him not only is he not the boss of you or anyone else...he ain't even the boss of himself..."

kyky liked this idea and kept repeating and embellishing...

"yeah you're not the boss of me or yourself, your mommmy and daddy are the boss of you!"

...and on and on

"yeah...you're not even the boss of your poopoo!"

that's my girl...

you don't really die when you get killed by a lightsaber...

2010-08-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

at least according to kyky...

"if you get killed by a lightsaber, you don't relly die..."

"well, you die for a little while and then you come back...but light blue...glowing light blue"

"...and you get an echoy voice too"

"...and your kinda lighter too..."

huh... that is a pretty good pull after watching a weekend marathon of Star Wars. so i gotta hand it to my kid, she kinda gets it... even if i don't...

and

"Darth Vader was good first and then bad...but in the end he was good again....so his lightsaber changed back to blue from red"

pretty keen observation...

i wonder if she noticed the Stormtrooper who bumped his head?

i wish i could enjoy movies that way again...

Goodbye Old Friend...You've Served Me Well...

2010-08-20T13:28:00.001-07:00

earlier this summer, after i decided to sell my house and move, i had a garage sale to sell off some of my 30 years of accumulation...yeah. 30 years of stuff.

at the very last minute i decided to part with one my most influential possessions, my first guitar...

my father bought me that guitar as a birthday/christmas gift..back in 1985. i played the crap out of it. i beat at it, drilled holes to install my own pick-up and strap pin. i played it for everything for at least 8 years before i got another guitar. in short, i cut my musical and worship leader teeth on it.

i used it very seldom the last 20 or so years. i think the last time i actually used it was the last time i played at CLC. i guess looking back it was quite fitting that was time he was used in worship. the song was "Come Thou Long Expected Jesus" and it would be the last time i would be leading worship there. sort of a looking forward to something and leaving the old behind.

and now, it was time to let go of my old friend. he brought me and others (those i lent him to) much joy i would like to think. but it was time for a new life for him. i life where he would be used rather than just sitting on one of my guitar stands, un-played...un-used...

i had one interested party that saturday morning. he picked it up, played it, made his inquiry and listened to the story of the guitar but ultimately he didn't buy it...

ah well...maybe i was gonna keep him after all!!!

an hour later, a young hispanic guy picked it up and started playing it.

it was a bit busy then so i wasn't able to watch or talk to him but a bit later he asked me how much...

"$40..." i said

he pulled out two jacksons and away he walked off with my old friend.

i would like to imagine that that friend has a new life that is much more like his early life with me, one where he gets played everyday not sitting on one of my guitar stands or worse in the case. a new life where he is being used to lead others in the presence of God, playing songs of worship and praise.

at least, that's what i'd like to believe is his life now...

i remember pops... part deux

2010-07-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

one of the things i really did think of (besides, oh shit...i'm gonna end up taking care of momsies, ain't i?) was who i was going to talk to about those milestones in life as i got to them. marriage...fatherhood...career...

i guess i naively believed that pops was going to be around for those things to pass on whatever wisdom he could. i mean, people lived to be like 80, right?

even when he first fell ill...i never considered the possibility that he wouldn't be around to see my eventual kid(s) so he could dote on them as he did all the other grandkiddlins. it wasn't until my sister pulled me aside that the possibility of him not being around hit me... and it wasn't for a few months after his passing that i really began to dread the idea of not having his presence in my life for those life changes...

look...
i know i didn't have a perfect dad, who does? but still, he was (and perhaps my grandfather as well in small ways) going to be my example for becoming a husband and a father. for good or bad? prolly yeah...

i found out pretty much...he would still fulfill that role.

i wrote my dad letters for several years after he passed. it was my way of grieving as well as staying connected with him.. it brought back memories both good and bad...but mostly, surprisingly good. not so much for things he told me but his actions. things he did on a daily basis.
better
it's from those memories that he was able to mentor me along even if he wasn't physically here to do so...and in some ways, perhaps better that he wasn't around. that way, the things that i found that were negative and didn't want to repeat, i didn't have to w/out him being around to look at me dis-approvingly. ha!

yeah...

i basically looked at who my dad was and what he did. how he treated me. how he treated my mom, my siblings, the grandpups. how he treated friends and work associates. who he was in everyday life...

i took the good and chose not to repeat or become the bad...

and that's who i decided i would be.

perfect? no. faulted? unabashedly faulted...

why? because i'm still figuring it all out. what husband and or father isn't? there's always more to learn, more to grow, more to change and modify and improvise adapt and even yes...overcome (thanks Gunny Highway).

my dad wasn't around, but he was the framework i used to build on who i wanted to become. in the years that have passed, i've found my dad has done and continues to do a pretty damn good job of bringing me along...despite myself...

so...

i remember my dad for the good... and the bad.

and that's how he will be...here, to help me thru those life stages.

works for me...

remembering pops... part one

2010-07-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

this one is way overdue...

i was thinking of my dad this past father's day. it's been a nearly 18 years since he passed away the day after Christmas in 1992. it's strange because it hasn't really seemed that long ago and yet with each passing year it seems i remember less and less about who and how he was...or perhaps my memories are just now more selective?

i remember the day my dad was diagnosed and when i was told that he would have six months to live. i remember because my sister, Cecelia, who told me used the exact same words about 20 years before when my mom was admitted into the hospital with severe hyper-tension...

"Greg, this is serious..."

i remember seeing my dad in extreme discomfort...

i remember him barely able to communicate with me...

i remember the night i drove him to the emergency room. how i asked him before we left if i could pray for him, him nodding in acknowledgment...telling him that i loved him and asking if he understood that and him nodding back in acknowledgment...

i remember the drive to Stanford at 3AM, checking him into the ER...

i don't remember what i told the nurses and doctors...

i do remember the hardest decision i made up to that point in my life and how i still feel angry at myself and wish my dad could/would forgive me for...

when they wanted to check him in, he and i both knew it would be for the last time. he wanted to go home... it's all he would say in the demanding tone i so seldom heard from him growing up....

i knew i couldn't as it would have just meant a return trip, prolly in an ambulance and i had to tell my dad he had to stay to be taken cared of...

i lied (he knew it too) that the doctors there would/could help...

i remember my dad giving in knowing that was what was best for my mom...to not see him die slowly at home unable to help...

i remember the visits to the hospital and then the hospice...

i remember spending Christmas day with him there in 1992 and then going to the Lyon's in downtown San Leandro for my Christmas dinner...

i remember getting the call the next day that he had passed...

and then everything that followed was a bit of a blur...

life went on and it didn't for awhile and i wondered who would be my example now as a future husband and father. i wondered who'd i'd go to when i needed those questions answered.

as the years have passed, i found the answer was...my dad.

to be continued...

he called me coach...

2010-05-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

i've been assistant coaching my kids 4-6 year old t-ball team. it's been fun. the coach is a guy i grew up and haven't seen in years. i've pretty much let him do his thing since he's been at this awhile i suppose but...ehhh...

there were a couple weekends when he couldn't be there so i got to coach the kids.

i'm pretty low key when coaching...ok, that's a lie...

i'm not about the kids winning...just them having fun and playing teh game "right", you know? i do give little tips on batting and what to do in the field...that sorta thing. i high 5 every kid and make sure they feel as if they're a part of what's going on.

anyways...after one session...one of the littler (but more athletic ones) comes running up to me and yells "coach! my mom brought the snacks! you gotta come have snacks w/ us coach!"...

man...that was just way cool...

another saw me after school and yelled "coach!!!" and came and gave me a huge hug.

wow...just cool...

i think i'll coach next year...

lalalalalalalalalalala...

2010-04-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

we've been going thru some sermons recently about listening to God...or more specifically, asking God for guidance. which would require you to listen, yeah? it seems obvious but maybe not depending on your attitude or state of heart.

i think i had written previously a bit about my experience in not wanting to listen. not wanting to hear what God was trying to say to me...or had to say to me...

you know, fingers in ear....blahblahblahblahblah....

it was a difficult time after my wife passed away but in looking back? i had stopped really listening before that. now why? i don't know. maybe i had just had enough crap in my life happen and i really didn't want to know what else God would ask me to go thru or do. honestly, i think that was it. if i stopped listening, God wouldn't tell or ask me about something else coming down the pipeline of pain, ickiness and discomfort. i guess i wanted to be done with that. i wanted to just coast for awhile. kinda go on automatic...cruise control...auto-pilot...

i was gonna stop listening for a bit...

wrong choice...

wrong, wrong, wrong...

triple-dog-dare-wrong...

schitte happens anyways and you know what? not listening prolly makes it tons worse to go thru.

wait...lemme re-do that...

not listening makes it tons...TONS! worse to go thru

i guess i had to learn the hard way. even when i thought i was ready to listen i really wasn't. i only heard or interpreted what i heard into something i wanted to hear...and to a degree, it was a bit painful...in a revealing type of way. you know, and that's prolly the worst? when you realize you are not as well "equipped" or "mature" or whatever you think you are. more than just going thru schitte...you find that you're not as strong as you need to be to even get thru the minor crap. i'm talking just the everyday stupid schitte that just de-rails you for no reason...whatsoever. what happens when the real crappola hits the fan?

and so the answer is...you relent.

you surrender...

easy? fuck no. but you realize you relying on you has gotten you nowhere. so now you're ready to try something different. you're ready to listen and say "yes"...

one of the main points in the recent sermons about seeking God's council was to resolve to say "yes" to God before even asking the question. saying that whatever God asks...you will do. easy? hell no! me, kicking and screaming. but in the end? worth it.

really really...

i have found for me, God speaks fairly clearly when He chooses to. not always the same way everytime but pretty clear nonetheless. whether it's thru something a friend may say or you may hear in or sermon...or something you read...

or that voice...

you know the one...

the one that sounds like a trusted friend...or yours...or one you don't recognize yet feels, familiar...safe...true...

i don't know how or if God will speak to you?

i just know for me, God speaks...pretty clearly...whether i choose to listen or not.

i just need to resolve to listen and and trust...

if you dig a hole and no one sees it...

Grace comes in...Grace goes out...

2010-04-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

so i've kinda figured out that most of the current journey i am on has alot to do with re-visiting certain places to close those doors or put those things away. sometimes these places are figurative...sometimes literal. a few weekends ago...these became one and the same. perhaps i can call it the great convergence...then again...it wasn't really all that great...but it was a convergence of sorts.

like any other good story, this one starts with me opening my big mouth. was i being prideful? no...not really. i just decided to share something from my past in a group of people that didn't necessarily show me in the best of...whatever. i shared about something i wasn't necessarily proud of? a way in which i said goodbye. in hindsight, i may not have done things too differently but i would not have taken so much joy in what i did either. ok...so maybe a bit of pride, in the worst sense, in the worst case...for all the wrong reasons. basically, i shared a bit about how i said goodbye to my old church, after the last time i lead worship there. i did it in a semi humorous, semi-disrespectful way. basically somewhat of an odd reference as i ended the worship time. if you want an idea, think Spinal Tap, bad English accents and rock n roll salutes.

yeah...a few people got it...but it was rather innocuous for the most part. still...bad form on my part...

what lead to my departure? my decision to leave my church of 10+ years?

I had a disagreement with someone on the staff. In my mind, I was fired from being a worship leader for pretty much that. there was other things said that were a part of that decision as well but that's another story for another day and perhaps in hindsight, a story that does not need re-telling anymore... unless you really, really, really want to know of course. you could prolly drag it out of me with a wind-up car...

needless to say, despite the things tried to reconcile differences, forgiveness and the leaving and all that transpired...there were words spoken that still hurt no matter how much time had passed. perhaps i was still holding on to a bit of that grudge despite it all...

the beginning of the story started at a church retreat ground. it was there that this staff person announced that he would be working with our worship teams, the saturday evening before Palm Sunday in 2001. almost exactly nine years later...the same weekend in march, i was there again to lead worship for a friend's church's men's retreat.

as i was driving up to the campground, it seemed oddly familiar. when i walked into the conference building...the significance of the weekend and the room hit me...like a load of schite hitting the proverbial fan...

i almost laughed out loud. because if God ever uses 2X4's to get our attention...He just smacked me...well you know where...

there was a bonus as well. there was someone else there from my past that i could say...was a "difficult" person. not anyone that had ever done anything wrong or malicious. just one of those people that you...have a hard time dealing with for one reason or another. now i could have just tried to avoid him altogether...but that would be wrong. i did end up engaging him in conversation(kicking and screaming, me) a few times during the weekend and i'm glad i did. he's still pretty much the same person, awkward and all that. but now, i think i have a better understanding of why and whether that's the reason i viewed him differently or not...i guess it really doesn't matter. he's the same but in a different place with himself and i could see that was good for him. he was getting the acceptance and affirmation he needed to be the best person he could and i'm sure where and what God wanted him to be.

back to the original story...

that night, the message was entitled the "brotherhood of grace"...

ouch...

but laughter ensued. i knew what was coming...and i just had to laugh at what God was asking of me. because i knew i had to...revisit a place of hurt and re-open that door to move on....and i was ok with that because honestly, it was time. i was in a sense, ready for what He was going to ask of me because it was time.

it was time to let go of that period in life as much as possible. it had weighed on me more than it should have. it had hindered me from doing things which God was asking me to do. it was taking away my confidence. it was taking the joy away from doing things i loved.

it was time...to reclaim all of that...

and so i did the simple thing that God asked me to do in this situation. extend Grace...

God does ask hard things of us sometimes...but we're the ones who imagine them to be bigger than they really are. this was something i was avoiding for years and in the end, all God was asking me to do wasn't difficult at all. extend grace to someone. as complicated as the situation was, the act in and of it itself was simple. so a couple days later, i friended him on Facebook. now it's up to him to accept that invite and if and when he does, we'll take it from there.

i was dreading that weekend. it was my anniversary weekend...i was leading men i didn't know in worship. but in the end, God didn't have anything planned in relation to those things...He had bigger, better more deeper wounds that needed healing...and being the Great Physician He is? and healed perfectly did He.

i guess the take away from that weekend is pretty simple and i know that my pastor had spoken about this fairly recently... Grace, needs to keep moving. it comes in...it must go back out. Grace comes to you...you need to extend it to someone else otherwise...what good would it be? Grace is a gift that needs to be passed on. it's not always easy to, but when you do...you're stinkin' glad you did. ecstatic you did. blessed you did.

i had two opportunities that weekend...and i'm glad for them.

the weekend? leading worship?

i was pretty nervous and anxious leading up to it. prolly over thinking...over dwelling upon it.

a friend told me "you'll be great and blessed for it..."

i don't know if i was great? but she was right in that i was most definitely blessed for it that weekend...

someone digs you a hole...God helps you fill it up...

struttin'...

2010-03-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

was at the park with the kykadoodles recently. jungle gyms and monkey bars are like crack for her...seriously...

this park had an interesting one in which the bars spin and you have to make the transfer from one to the other while managing your momentum...quite a trick really.

well of course she's going for it...like a junkie needing a hit...

she figures it out after bout 20 minutes and yells...

"daddy! watch this!"

normally, my default reaction to those words are to cringe in fright...but i watch...and...she does it...

i'm proud and think, "yeah, her mom wasn't that athletic...must be my genes!"

she then starts this little skip/strut over to me that looks vaguely familar...

oh, yeah...

ESPN!

when the hot dog hits a long three or scores off an interception...or get's that walk off slam...

it's that attitude...pride bordering on arrogance...

and crap...that's my genes too...

i'm in for it...

crap

hello, old friend...

2010-03-12T23:24:00.001-08:00

i borrowed back an old guitar today because one of mine is in the shop. i like having two similar guitars when i do any playing because i'm a notorious string breaker...

i brought it in with the intention of changing the strings but found the strings that i put on it before i returned it that last time were still in good condition so i picked it up and started playing. it was like i picked it up only a day before...like talking to an old friend having not met for years and picking up where we left off the last meeting...instantaneously...

i loved this guitar...no...i love this guitar. i let him go for good cause. he went to a dear friend who also loved this guitar. he was a gift in appreciation for all that she did during an extremely difficult time for me. it was the right size for her to learn to play guitar. so as much as i was attached to this object of wood and steel...i was willing to part with him to bless another. i missed him immediately. i ended up purchasing 2 more like it to replace it. not quite the same, but good enough...so i thought...

i borrowed him back once before...about 3 years ago. it was different though...almost uncomfortable. best i can explain it...it was like running into an old girlfriend unexpectedly. it felt a bit awkward, like i didn't quite know what to say, wanting to connect but unable to. after a week or two, i returned him to my friend and purchased another one just like it online.

this time...it was different...i was different. i'm in a different place now...and i was able to fully embrace my old friend. over a few hours and a couple glasses of jameson...the parlor and i got re-aquainted. now, i am by no means an accomplished musician let alone guitar player but i can play a song or two. and that's what i did. no songbook, no lead sheets...no nothing. just me and the parlor...

i am in a different place now. i'm in a place where i can look back and not regret and i can look forward and hope. i can almost...almost look straight where i'm at and be content in the moment. almost...but not quite there yet. but in my time tonite, i am able to fully be content with my time with the parlor. all guitars have songs in them. this one has quite a few and prolly more that i never quite discovered. but that's ok...

in our time tonite, there seemed a bit of an understanding between the parlor and me. it was truly like we picked up here we left off and laid the groundwork for some future exploration. we spent the first half hour getting re-aquainted with each other...and then we slowly moved into exploring new areas. bits of ideas that have been sitting in my head were joining together. it's was almost as if i needed to re-connect to complete certain ideas...as if we were...collaborating. it was an incredible two hours just playing...

why am i writing this experience down? because i'm learning to be content in the moment. i'm learning to appreciate the moment and not to expect anything other than what will come next. it's not that thing where i'm setting my expectations low...it's just that i'm just expecting...something? anything. and knowing that that something will in some way, turn out to be be...unexpectedly good.

that's all...really...that's all...

i'm a real nowhere man...

2010-03-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

maybe i is and maybe i isn't...

been mulling a bit lately as to where and when this journey for "change" actually started.

change.

yeah i guess that is the word for it.

a few summers ago i went to visit a friend up in Seattle....errr Redmond to be exact. i was pretty much crispity from several work engagements that were not only high stress...but required travel. i think she had meant to...for lack of a better term, confront me about a few things. as it was, she waited until the end of the visit to lay it in me...actually, on the way to the airport...

basically, she told me while praying for me, she had a vision of me in the middle of the dessert, in the middle of nowhere, holed up in a shack by myself...isolated.

even though in the moment, it made me rock backwards a bit...it took me awhile to really grasp what it meant and i did realize that's exactly what i was doing. i was isolating myself from people. not asking for help, not interacting, not seeking out...not connecting with people at all. i don't know why that's me...but it pretty much is...well me.

i tend to try and not be a bother to people...trouble them in any way

the best i can explain is that i'm an introvert and when i'm faced with adversity, pain or stress...i turn inwards.

her point was this...

if i isolate myself, how do i expect to experience God's love for me?

God uses others to show His love to us. by not letting others show their love to me by helping me...i'm denying God the opportunity to shower His love on me...

whoah...

this has taken me till now to even begin really grasping...understanding...willing to live...

sure i let people help me in small ways...and always of my choosing. and usually things that aren't that big of a deal so that i don't feel as if i'm imposing. but what about the really hard tings...the embarrassing things? what are they, hard or embarrassing? why are they?

that i'm still trying to grasp....still trying to live and act upon.

more later? but i'm sure it has alot to do about the un-looked for favor or act of grace....

but there i was...the nowhere man...

i'm not sureci want to be the "somewhere" man...but i really don't want to be the other guy anymore...

He's a real nowhere man
Living in his nowhere land
making all his nowhere plans
for nobody

yeah... really really really don't want to be that guy...

really really

and Karma bites back...

2010-03-01T13:02:00.002-08:00

hhrrrmmmm...

so no sooner had i finished writing my last my last entry (albeit not posted yet) did karma decide to retaliate...but in a small way...

speaking of which, is karma a he or a she? a he-she? hmmmmm...

well, after coming home and showering (tennis after church plus grilling for dinner, i needed it!) i decided to do the dishes left over from the previous day...

one of the items to be washed was a ramekin that i used for olive oil while i was toasting some french bread...so of course it was slick...and so of course it slipped from my hand. no worries...except whodathunk it would fit perfectly over the drain-hole...and fit snuggly at that? so snug that with water already draining through, the suction pulled it pretty snug. made even more snug by me trying to pull it out and me trying to clean off as much oil off it as possible.

failure is soon coming...

i tried a knife to pry it...no go...

i tried a bit of ice...thinking it would contract enough? just more water to clean out...

i tried to MacGuyver it w/ a wad of duct tape...not even...

so...i decide to tackle it from below. i removed the garbage disposal only to be greeted by the reminder i hadn't run it yet...nasty bits of food particle...awesome...

a dish towel, mallet and wooden broomstick handle...not even close...*sigh*

final answer? flat-head screwdriver and a hammer...little pieces of ramekin all over.

karma?

i "stole" that ramekin from Stuart Anderson's Black Angus as a practical joke on Kat years ago. she said she was klepto as a kid but grew out of it. we snuck it in her to go box when she went to the ladies room. we never fessed up even though she knew...

Kat always said i was gonna get it for that...karma would get me(to which she added IF she believed in karma as a disclaimer), as i protested my innocence for like 10 years...

well..i finally did get it...not a day after i pretty much thumbed my nose at karma...

my response to karma?

is that all you got...bring it!

heh

dig a hole, jump in, cover yer head...
kidding...

She Travels Outside of Karma....

2010-02-26T15:22:00.000-08:00

been thinking a bit lately about how i usually answer this question...

"so...how do you do it?"

my answer?

"grace...grace is why i'm still here..."

i'm not sure what people are expecting when they ask me that question. i'm not even sure if they really care to know and maybe right after they ask...they want to retract it. it's a pretty loaded question, full of possible explanations...paths that diverge. i guess i could always go into specifics...but honestly? grace is what it all boils down to.

i'm not implying that in some way i deserved to be in my situation and that by the Grace of God, i'm not worse off or something like that. that God took pity on me in some way and allowed me to "survive". i mean, i often refer to my life as sucky...that my situation is pretty f'ed up in most respects?

and i do mean it...

but not wholeheartedly...no, i don't...

look...

there is no blame to be directed at any person for the place i'm in. sure, you can blame me for some of my poor my choices after the fact, but what happened 5 years ago was no one's fault. no, despite what i want to believe...or how i might feel at any given point in time, what happened just was and it is just one of the events in a string of happenings that is leading to something...either for me or my daughter or for whomever we cross paths with...

maybe this is just a coping mechanism? i don't know. i just know that there are much bigger and more important things in the world than me. and for me to believe i am the single focus of any force of God or Nature, that somehow i might matter more than the the girl who poorly bagged my groceries this afternoon would just be self serving in the worse possible of ways.

but here's the deal...

somehow, in ways we're probably not meant to understand. it all does matter. you and me do matter...and equally so. there is a connection whether we can see it or not, feel it or not. all our interactions in our lives though sometimes seemingly mundane carry more wight than we can possibly imagine. not that one instance is weighted against another but in the master plan (if you want to call it that) those seemingly trivial words and actions play a part in making the whole. we may never see the end result but i do believe it is there.

so what happened and happens to me does matter...for me and for others...some i may not even know yet. mine and my daughter's ( ) are just as an integral part in this as anyone else's.

and that's where Grace comes in...

for me, Grace is shown in this:
that people have entered my life in timely ways throughout that have allowed me to survive losing my wife suddenly to an accident. to allow me to raise my daughter and for the most part allow it happen in a way in which she could grow and thrive. Grace has placed me in a family and a circle of friends that could not have been more supportive throughout the years. Grace has brought back people in my life to encourage and guide me onward. Grace has brought new people into my life since to give it new colors...new flavors...new textures. Grace has placed in a workplace with people that have allowed me to try and find that balance i need and are sensitive to my predicament.

Grace...has not judged me but has blessed me...despite my actions, decisions, words, thoughts, situation...

karma? karma fails in the light of Grace.

and if you ever catch me forgetting or stating the contrary? call me to the carpet for it...really....just nail me with a 2X4.

i'll end with the lyrics of a U2 song and this thought:

dig a hole...Grace fills it up

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

an aside...

2010-02-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

something about me that i have found i rather dislike...

if something gets in my head, an idea, a lyric, a melody...it really bothers me until i can get it out...

sometimes it's simple...an unwanted song gets in my head? find another song to replace it.

others...

last night was a good example. the combination of that U2 song, last week's sermon and our discussion created a storm in my head that needed release...or better put, it needed to be expressed, formed.

so the annoying thing for me is that i find it hard to be fully present when this happens. when i was breaking guitar strings last weekend during service, man...when i wasn't playing that's all that filled my head. it sucked. now, i do have the ability to partition this off for a period of time...but it will rear it's bothersome little self until i do something about it...

when i got home last night, i tried to work it on the guitar...no avail...

then i started putting pieces of things from the past week together and just started writing...voila! new blog entry...idea mostly formed and out...sleep ensued...

so there you have it...

contentment part deux..Achtung Baby!

2010-02-19T23:47:00.000-08:00

ok...so i lied...

well, really i didn't...it's just that i forgot about certain instances is all.

tonite, i had boldly claimed that i didn't know what it was like to be content during our discussion time. but there are moments that i do find contentment...it's when i have my guitar in my hand. that being said, in the present there are only a couple cases here this is true. one is when i'm playing and singing my daughter to sleep. the other is when i'm playing just for myself. there used to be time when playing at church was included in this, whether in small or large groups but not now. oh, i do still really enjoy playing for some of the groups at church or for service but it's not the same as before. there is a missing piece...or should i say a missing peace.

i was talking to a friend of mine recently and was sharing with her a bit of this. she mentioned that she felt as if i were re-discovering something but i was also being challenged to go beyond where i was before. that i needed to "let go" of some things that were preventing me from really experiencing that state of freedom and joy that i was seeking in those moments. she also said that this was just a small example of what i was being challenged with. letting go of certain ideas so that i could grow forward. to stop being self-concious...to let go...to trust...

that last part is hard for me. but now i'm seeing it in a way that turns it into a negative that i want to rectify.

the only thing that is keeping me from contentment is me.

sure, that's a pretty easy statement to make especially after last weekend's sermon but what it means for each person is obviously different. for me, saying that i wasn't content and didn't know how to be nor know what it was like was just a way of keeping me discontent. when in truth...i did have a glimmer of what it could feel like to be in that place.

there's that U2 song...you know the one..sing it with me...

"i have climbed...highest mountains..."
"...only to be with you"
"but i still haven't found what i'm looking for..."

i'm going with the obvious here...but these lyrics sum up where i am in a nice easy package. it's not a great revelation but i think for each seeker, the ideas need to turn in the right direction so that they fit in the way that makes sense. like keys and locks to use another obvious example.

the road to contentment is a journey, but not an endless one. i'm not going to find it somewhere else, in something else, nor someone else. but God wouldn't send us on a quest without hope. that's just not how He works despite how i might feel at times. He's given me something as a reminder as well as a proof for what it is that i seek. something that is readily accessible to me as long as i desire it and seek it. contentment is a state of being.

contentment is not about being happy...it's about being fulfilled, no matter what...

"...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do anything through him who gives me strength"
Pilippians 4:11-12(NIV)

and the only one keeping me from it is myself...

so onward i go to find it.

dig a hole...fill it up...

ok...i know, wrong album but that just seemed like a better title for this entry...

just for the record:
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Joshua Tree
track #2

happy?

contentment...and the voice of the Devil, which i imagine to be high and squeeky...

2010-02-16T21:39:00.000-08:00

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have. ~ Unknown

it's funny that this was the topic that taught at church this last weekend.

i have found that when i was sitting at the bottom of that well these past few months that though it was not the main theme running through the halls of my psyche it was a constant nagging and cruel under-current. no matter what was going thru me mentally or emotionally, that was the ever whispered voice that would try and drag me back into the dark whenever i made a move to get up off my ass and try to join the world of the seemingly normal.

ok. there's a part of me that will say, "hey bud, that's the enemy talkin' at you. stop listening..."

and then the other half screams back, "yeah? i know! but what if i'm really not and i deserve something else!"

i don't need Satan nor one of his imps to remind me of what's gone wrong in my life, thank you very much...the things i wished i didn't do or said. decisions made poorly...rashly, un-wisely...

no...i'm fucking good at doing that all on my own. i can beat the schite out of myself better than Edward Norton in "Fight Club". no...that's not the enemy'talkin, it's me. all me. oh sure...i'm fairly certain that he has some hand in it but the part is minor, kinda like an extra on the set...just standing there and getting a free meal at my expense of misery.

now, i'm not saying this is true of everyone...not at all. i'm just speaking for myself here. but i've found that when my voice is the loudest..and not God's? i'm in for a world of hurt. because where my voice hurts and is irrational, His heals and brings comfort...and order. the trick is this. just because i don't always understand God's order doesn't mean there isn't. simple, yes? we can't fathom "God". i guess if we could? is HE the type of god you'd want to follow, trust, believe in? no, prolly not. if we could, what good would He be? what "use" would "God" be?

God wants good for me. i have no doubt about that. what we forget is that though WE want good for ourselves as well, we don't always make the best choices as far as what "good for us". so when we don't have it...we want it. we don't know what it is...but we want it anyways. and so we are discontent. and so we don't see that up to this current point in our lives...we have more than we need. we have more than we need to get to the next place. sometimes more than we need means that we have less than we just had? sometimes...ok, sometimes we really do have more than we need.

if we listen to our own voices, we'll never see that. if we listen to God's voice, we can learn to trust that...

i really don't have any other answers for attaining contentment...no more nuggets of wisdom. why? because admittedly, i'm still struggling with it. maybe when i reach the 44th level of contentment i may have something for you. but then again...prolly not.

no. all i've learned thru this so far is that my voice is wrong and so i need to stop talking and start listening. and even though i don't understand what i'm hearing, i need to trust it. it's proven true time and again that God will speak something that i don't trust fully and only realize later what He meant, and i need only understand what i need to for the moment. i just believe in time more will be revealed. it may not be as much as i want...but it's all that i need for the time being.

hard? for me? f'n "A" it is. it totally is...

but i believe it'll be worth it all...and that's enough for now...

and here...

dig a hole...fill it up...

the needs of the many...

2010-02-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

this past weekend, some guys from church got together for a Super Bowl party while the wives were at a bridal shower and a baby shower. (some both but not all). so all the kids were with the dads in this townhouse...all girls...4-6 years of age...

needless to say, by half-time they're pretty restless...stir crazy as it were, so i decided to take the 6 kids out to the playground about a quarter mile away in the complex. you know, get 'em...running around. tire 'em out a bit. once outside, "let's race!" i proclaim as i start off in a trot towards the playground...

they're all running and screaming as i speed up and slow down accordingly...you know, give them the illusion of possibly winning...but, you know there's no way in H-E double hockey sticks that i'm going to let these kids beat me.

no. stinkin. way...

ok...i know, i'm a forty year old man. ok...forty-one...whatever. what does beating a bunch of overgrown toddlers in a race really going to mean to me? nothing really...

but still...

no. stinkin. way...

well...apparently, kyleigh has figured this out as well...

"Daddy!" as she stops running
"I'm tired! I want Daddy! I want Daddy's shoulders" walking towards me after i've stopped and the other kids have flown by me...
"Daddy!" almost crying as she nears me...
"Ok kyky...Daddy's shoulders..." as i turn towards her with arms stretched out (i think maybe she's just really tired from the long day)

she gives me a big smile, which warms my heart.

temporarily...

until i realize what's about to transpire...

she breaks into a dead run...not to me...but by me...right by me...full speed...

"bye Daddy!" as she joins the other girls in beating me to the playground...laughing all the way...

not even looking back to see the horror and dismay in my expression.

she sacrificed her desire to win...just so i wouldn't...and all the girls (even the smallest)would get there before i did.

damn...

i almost teared up...almost...

but not...

when life gives you lemons...or posies...or crap...

2010-02-03T22:58:00.000-08:00

"when Life gives you lemons...make lemonade"

i hate this saying...really, i do.

here’s what i don't like about it…it's too easy. it’s not really a good analogy for what to do when Life isn’t smiling upon you…eeerrrrr possibly when it feels like Life is actually out to get you…and get you good, really good.

lemons are, inherently good are they not? I know, I know…lemons are sour…sour represents the hard parts in life. but the sour generally in those examples are tempered with the sweet. Just look at this example. take something sour, add water and sugar and you’ve got something good.

easy peasy, nice n’ easy…

yeah...life ain't easy, is it?

of course, sour in and of itself really isn’t that bad is it? i mean from a culinary aspect, sour is good since it can be used to temper the intensity of other tastes…sweet, rich, salty. such as in life, it helps temper and enhance those other facets of life as well...the sweet, the salty. so lemons are good and if used or put in its proper perspective…it enhances the good in other things.

see? it doesn’t work…

i think people like the lemonade analogy because it gives them hope that they can conquer anything that life can send their way. trivializing it to the point where they feel they can deal with it? perhaps. but I think that type of thinking hurts more than helps because there are some situations so schitty…so in-uncomprehendingly awful…you can’t see the other end. i know, i’ve been there…really…I have…

so, let’s try something that might work better. something that might really represent the schittiness that Life can drop on us…

pig vomit…

“when life gives you pig vomit…”

ok…what do you do with pig vomit? anything good come out of that? bacon? ham? not if the pig is gone…

so here's something where there is nothing recognizably good at all.

yup…not much, if anything, yeah?

life can be pretty crappy at times…and sometimes, for no reason whatsoever, it likes to revisit you. not the event mind you…just the emotions generated from that event. so what do you do then? what do you do when Life takes a giant steaming dump on your head…

sometimes…nothing. nothing at all(other than cleaning yourself off)...and there’s nothing wrong with that.

there is no mandate that you need to make something good out of every negative situation. the act of surviving and growing beyond that experience may be all that is being asked of you.

the mere act of getting through the schitt to live another day, exist another day…

to be able learn something and pass on that nugget of wisdom from your experience…

yeah…maybe, that’s all you can hope for…and it’s enough.

so what do we do?

i think all we can do in some situations is to just move on. if we can, clean up the me.…and go on to the next. sometimes, you can't even do that....but you still have to move on. you may just have to letr someone else clean that up for you. it may not be your job.

yeah, the stink may still be there…and there may be a stain for good amount of time, sure. it's all part of Life...but it’ll be in the past. yeah, you may enter that room and the stain or a linger smell may bring back some negative memories and emotions, but at this point…you know you’ve gotten past it once and you can do it again.

the major idea...thing is...that you just need to keep moving…even if that just means treading water and staying afloat. like i've said before, sometimes that’s the most you can ask for in some situations. even if it feels like you aren’t making progress. by not slipping beneath the waves of despair, you are making progress. you are surviving. making sure you’re not being pulled down into the darkness.

SURVIVING.

you can’t control what life drops on you…you can only control your response to it. God will take care of the rest…and you know He will.

so…when life decides to give you pig vomit?

clean it up…move along…

shake it off, step up…

dig a hole, fill it up...

do you remember the time...

2010-02-02T00:10:00.000-08:00

i don't know what brought this to mind but the memory totally busted me up...

ok...kyleigh must've been maybe...ohhh, 18-20 months old at this point? just after she started walking? ok...maybe younger...

she's sittin' in her booster chair finishing lunch as i clean up....

she's having an imaginary conversation w/ someone... i dunno who, but it's all babble but w/ you know, with the proper lilts in voice and intonations as if you were having a real conversation...it's pretty entertaining as is...

then she get's that look...that kinda...you know...kinda wistful, looking off into the imaginary distance with her index finger to her chin...rhythmically tapping...voice going softer as she tries to remember...

and then excitement as if she remembers some event and then...

serious guffawing...i mean head thrown back, eyes wound shut, mouth wide open, booster chair rocking, gut-busting laughter...

if you ever heard her laugh...you'd know what i mean.

she...is just like her mom in that way...

that same feeling coming back...

2010-01-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

well...i thought that perhaps the state of depression i was in was going to be changing for the better...

ok...maybe i was just hoping...

guess again!!!

nope...actually, it's gotten worse...

ok...well no, not really. i think it would be more truthful to say that this year, this season...the depth of my depression is much deeper than i thought it would be. a friend asked me to rate it as compared to the first month after kat had passed. i felt as if it were at least ten times worse. the only thing that i don't have from five years ago is the shock from all the events...and none of the distractions of that time five years ago that at least...well, offered me a distraction? something to take my mind away from me and what i was going through.

no. this year has definitely been much harder. the feelings are lingering longer and although i'm not breaking down and crying like i did then...i have very little motivation to be productive. i've tried my ass off to get motivated for anything and although outwardly i seem to be, everything inside me screams to go back to bed...shove the covers over my head...stay in the house and away from anyone. this week, it's been an effort to even go to the coffee shop to get a coffee and work. that's what my depression does to me. it drives me away from the world and people that i would normally want to spend time and connect with.

i know that the fifth year anniversary is the worst. i was prepared for it. i looked for new ways of dealing with those emotions, the depression and the behavior that it would draw me to. i knew that things that i had tried in the past weren't going to cut it this time around. at this point, the depression is winning...barely. eh...maybe it's a stalemate...or maybe i am winning. perhaps just getting off my ass to get up and go do something...anything...is all the victory i could hope for. maybe my initial goals of overcoming it entirely was a fool's dream. i don't know. but i'm going to keep plugging away. just doing anything beyond living necessities accomplished is a victory at this stage. keep it moving forward...

dig a hole, fill it up...

a friend mentioned something else when i had coffee with him a month ago. it was an allegorical story of how when some farmers gave up on a mule that had fallen in a hole and were going to bury it in there rather than trying to save it as they threw dirt and rocks in the hole, the mule would shake off the debris and step on top of it. yeah, you know where this is going...kind of like Aesop's fables. the men realize that by continuing to throw dirt and rocks in the hole, the mule will eventually be able to get out...and thus...

shake it off, step up...

ok...so it's kinda corny. but it works...especially along with my other little phrase. to me, it's all about keeping forward momentum in life no matter what kind of shit life throws at you. sure, you've heard it all before. some may even pay good money to go hear someone tell them exactly that. that's not my point. that idea isn't new. it's not novel. it's not enlightening. it's not even common sense...because there is no such thing...

it's about keeping yourself motivated...no matter the situation. it's taking what is heaped on you, going through it...and moving on.

what i've found that's helped me in my depression is to find reasons and ways to keep moving forward. it's not possible to forget the past. it's not healthy to not acknowledge hurt and grief in your life. even worse to deny or suppress it. so i'm using the phrases as a reminder for the mindset i need to get through this.

you can't control Life. Life can suck sometimes. life can be a real bitch. Life is a real mother-trucker. but Life will eventually be good to you. why? because God said so...and what good to me means, i may not understand in the moment nor be able to see on the horizon...but i know it's there and waiting for me to get there. why? because God said so...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Jerimiah 29:11-14

ok, God said so through Jeremiah...

and so that's the hope i need to hang on to. why? because there is really nothing else...at least when the depression hits. i don't see the good in Life even when it is staring me down. i don't feel it even when it's shaking me by the shoulders. i just don't. I DON'T. so i hang on to that and remember that at many points in the past, Life and God have been good to me...and that even though Life hasn't really been that great to me recently...God has and will always...and so Life will be at some point once again...

yeah...things have really sucked the last few months. but until it gets better...and it will...

dig a hole, fill it up...shake it off, step up...

i'm glad she feels that comfortable around me

2010-01-11T12:48:00.000-08:00

well, she is my daughter...and she is her mother's daughter...

i'll leave it up to you to differentiate from this story which parts come from her maternal side and which parts come from her paternal side...

so i was working in the living room one day a couple years ago...prolly folding laundry or doing bills or something else that in the world of this story...really doesn't matter...

kyky came strolling up to me...

"Daddy? I want to give you a big hug..."

she climbs up into my lap and proceeds to give me a big "squeeze" hug...

"Daddy?"
"Yeah, kyky?"
"I love you Daddy!!!"

she then proceeds to fart on me...jump down off my lap and...

"bye, Daddy!"

as she runs out of the room...

leaving me in a state of horror, disgust, indignation and a tiny...tiny...tinge of pride...

that weird feeling wouldn't go away...

2010-01-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

this week didn't start off so well...and it really didn't get better until...pretty much today. it was one of those feelings that started off as soon as i awoke on monday and just never went away. i knew it was a season related feeling but i couldn't figure out what the origin was. it was just gnawing at me the entire week and it just kept building as the week continued on.

i was scheduled to play for Weekend Services this week. now, in the past i freak out when i get the notification and the songs. well...i still kinda do...but lately i've been really enjoying my opportunities on team. but this was different. i really didn't want to play at all. more accurately, i didn't want to be on stage this weekend. i didn't want to be anywhere near the stage this weekend, but for days...i didn't know why...

after a conversation with a friend and just spending a few relatively quiet moments (i was commuting) praying and thinking i realized what it was. saturday, the first service i'd be playing, would be the 5th anniversary of Kat's memorial service. it was the first time i had ever set foot on the stage at my church...and prolly why i didn't want to be on stage this weekend. i didn't want to relive that memory. i didn't want to have to revisit those emotions...that experience. i'm not sure if it's because i was afraid of having a breakdown while onstage or if the flood of memories would become distracting while i was playing. i don't know...but i know that i did not want to be onstage. a huge traffic jam on thursday evening on the way to practice seemed like the perfect out...but even then i couldn't take it. i guess i knew that would be the easy way out and i have somewhat chosen to stop choosing that route. well, at least for things i deem important. i do need to learn to punt on fourth and long in life situations though. but that would be a different post...

kat and i lead worship together in college, at our old church and for other events. in retrospect, that defined our lives together to a great degree. it's what we did as a couple...it's who we were. before our daughter was born, we had auditioned to be a part of the worship community at the church i'm attending now. after she passed...there was a point where i considered that something that i would rather leave in my past...i was done. i would still play for myself, my daughter...but that was it. it took quite a bit of time for God to convince me otherwise....well, amongst other things. so being onstage with our teams has always been bit of a bittersweet experience. there is still the joy that i used to get...but now it is tempered with a touch of sadness...emptiness that she isn't there to serve with and share in the experience with. this weekend, because of the anniversary that it happened to coincide with...i guess my mind was preparing for something that may or may not have come back...emotionally. that empty, hallow feeling that can come with depression. that darkness that causes me to freeze and makes me incapable of performing the way i can in life. i don't think i blocked out the emotions or the memories...more that i was able to re-direct them? no, once identified, i could put them away appropriately to sit and deal with later...when it wouldn't conflict with things that were going on.

finding out what it was specifically that was causing me to feel the way i did helped me start to move away from it. not ignore? but move away from where it was taking me. that place where i want to not engage with people and shun responsibilities and activities. for me, being able to identify that which i need to confront seems to be key in my ability deal with these things in healthy ways. i don't put them away to ignore them. i put them away so i can give them the time they deserve when i can afford to. it also allows me to give them my full attention...and they deserve that as well as i. it's interesting that the message this weekend had a point about facing that which we fear doing. interesting how timing works. serendipitous? no. validation.

so just one more anniversary that i need to deal with this coming week. it's funny that i didn't give these a single thought i the last four years. i guess there is truth to anniversary patterns? the 11th will be the the day i drove up to Mendocino to bring her remains home.

it's been a long...and short five years. i cant say that i'm satisfied with where i am in life and perhaps that has added to the way i've been feeling as of late. but that's to some point why i've started this blog. it's just another tool in my box that i'm using to initiate and sustain change in me and the world around me...

dig a hole...fill it up. shake it off and step up...

btw... i changed the title of this blog to better reflect it's content...

Uncle Tony and the Monster...

2010-01-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

ok...one more that i just remembered...

every once in awhile, kyky will make up a story to amuse herself.

gee...i wonder where she gets that from?!?!??!

Uncle Tony is a buddy of mine who stayed here w/ us for a couple years and he helped me watch kyky quite a bit.

we were on our way to school one morning when...

"Daddy?"
"yeah sweetness..."
"do you remember the time Uncle Tony got scared?"
"ummmm...no, i don't. what happened?"
"yeah...the monster came out and scared Uncle Tony..."
"yeah?"
"yeah...and when the monster scared him...and Uncle Tony, he screamed like a girl!"

*snigger*

sorry bro...but that one is too funny...too funny not to post...

kyky speaks Chinese!!!!!

2010-01-05T16:49:00.000-08:00

ok...

this one doesn't really work well in print because it's an audio gag...but use your imagination. i really just wanted to get this down before i forgot the story. it happened almost 2 years ago so i guess it's ok if it's slipped from my mind recently...

we were at an eating establishment locally...hawaiian food if i remember right. i asked her what she wanted to drink and she asked if they had juice. well of course they do...but it's lemonade. i'm not sure she's had lemonade before that(apparently she had at my sister's house)...

"mmmmmmm...yummy lemonade! i like it daddy!"
"i'm glad you do!"
"daddy?"
"yeah?"
"i know how to say lemonade in Chinese!"

ok...stop there...
I don't even know how to say lemonade in Chinese. now, i can prolly translate it into "lemon juice" or something similar but i don't know the actual Chinese word or phrase for "lemonade" so i am curious as to #1 where she learned it and #2 what it actually is...and i'm pretty stinkin' sure that she really doesn't know but of course i need to ask the following question...

"really, sweetie? how do you say lemonade in Chinese?"

kyky mimicking her best FOB Chinese accent...(think of Victor Kwong or James Hong)

"lemoin aaa!"

damn...

5 years ago...

2010-01-05T00:02:00.000-08:00

five years ago yesterday...at least officially...i became a single dad and a widower. i say officially because that is the date on my wife's death certificate. for me, i know that it was actually new year's day. kinda makes that whole new year's eve and new year's day celebration thing kinda sucky, yeah? yeah...it does...

the past five years have passed in what i can only describe as riding on a roller-coaster through a fog of emotions. you never really know what you're feeling nor what might be coming around the next turn. it's not that i didn't or couldn't feel. it's more like there was so much and it would change so quickly and suddenly that it was often difficult to sort through and appreciate each one and the experience that went along with it. often, it took some months to pass before i could even recognize something had happened or that i had been through...something worth noting and learning from.

many of the first weeks and months were spent just trying to define who i was going to be... re-defining? re-discovering? i didn't know and still really don't have a good handle necessarily on what i did other than try and do more than just survive. i had a daughter to care for and raise. i know i made quite a few bad decisions. i also know that i chose to ignore things that i shouldn't have. i have found that part of my survival was to trade some responsibility for some irresponsibility. i know now that i traded a bit too much and now i have to get myself out of that. i've dug a hole and now i must fill it up.

the biggest lesson...and hardest lesson i learned (well...still am learning) was that God really wanted me to listen to Him and i didn't want to. i was too scared to. i had just lost my wife. i was scared that God would say that there was going to be more. even though i knew that wouldn't be the case...i was scared that it might be. i was scared of what else He might have asked me to go through, experience. i just wasn't willing to take the chance. the whole time i could tell that God was right next to me waiting to really tell me and give me good things. but i was too scared and stubborn to turn and listen and receive what He had for me. in the end, i found He was asking me to make some tough and uncomfortable choices. but none were that hard nor that uncomfortable compared to what i had imagined in my mind. and they were all part of the process...not end points or conclusions.

God does use life experiences as object lessons...it's just us who make them out to be harder and more painful than they need to be or that He had intended.

this last year and a half has been like a preparation for me to face the five year anniversary. but i also feel as if He has given me more tools during this time to be better equipped to handle it and more importantly...to move beyond it. not to forget it, but to grow from it.

i'm scared about the next five years. i don't know what they will bring. but i know that i'm being prepared for something. it may be just getting better at being kyky's dad...i don't know. but in a strange way...i'm looking forward to the change. it's time to step out of the cave i've been hiding in. it's time for change and taking chances. it's time i re-create, redefine or more importantly, refine me. yeah...it's time. i'm ready for some good stuff...better stuff...the best stuff that God can offer. i'm ready...

kyky and chemical reactions

2009-12-28T18:32:00.001-08:00

here's one of the many ways how my daughter totally keeps me entertained.

one day last week or two weeks ago after it had been quite cold here, it had started raining quite a bit. we were driving home from church when she asks me...

"daddy? is it warmer than the other night?"
"why, yeah it is a bit warmer"
"daddy? why is it warmer when it rains?"

here was my chance to stump her...

"kyky, it's warmer because when it rains water changes it's state from gas to liquid. in doing so, it releases heat. state changes usually means that either energy is used up or released. these are called exothermic and endothermic reactions. when it rains, gas water is turned to liquid water, an exothermic reaction where energy in the form of heat is released. and that's why it's warmer when it rains sometimes."

about a 3 second pause where i think i have finally...

"daddy? i think it rains because God knows we needed the rain for water. water for the animals, and plants and people. so we can have water to drink for everyone...even if animals drink water in mud. and it's warmer because God knows we've had enough cold and too many people are sick from it being cold..."

yup...she's definitely her mother's daughter and infinitely smarter than i am...

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up...

2009-12-28T17:11:00.001-08:00

i guess i've posted a bit that may need some explanation or at least some background...but not too much. i mean, why bore you all? but since mostly no one is reading this...

no matter. i will keep the back story mostly brief and vague.

i'm your basic immigrant dumbass who grew up here in the US of A after immigrating here after my family did (a story for later i suppose?). unlike my siblings, i grew up here minus my first 3 months of existence. i grew up in suburbia with a mix of friends from different ethnicity's in the 70's and 80's. to be honest, not until i was an adult did i find out i grew up in one of the most racist cities in the United States (thank you, Brian Copeland!). is that good or bad? i don't know. i do know i had a good childhood. i do know that most all of my long term friendships were developed then. basically, the 70's and 80s were good to me. maybe too good. maybe they didn't prepare me for my later years.

fast forward to the 90's and the 00's. not so bueno. not to say that good things didn't happen? just a lot of things i may have preferred to either not happen or have happened differently...and my responses to some of those events? let's just say i could build a time machine. i had to take some time off working (while in school) to help care for my mother when my father lost his sight due to a diabetic episode. i decided to take a leave of absence from school to take care of my father who was now terminally ill...as well as my mother. i was kicked out of school during this time for completing the wrong forms for that time off. after the passing of my father, i put life on semi-hold to help care for my chronically ill mother. she passed 5 months before my wedding. my wife of nearly 7 years, (we were together 13 years overall) passed away from an accidental drowning 4 months after the birth of our daughter...on New Year's Day '05. yeah, those 2 decades were not happy ones. did i mention that i suffered through about a year of depression before i figured out what i was feeling was depression? no? eh, in the grand scheme it's prolly not that big of a deal.

through all these events, i've had to make choices regarding how to deal with each one and keep moving and growing from them. or not moving or growing from them depending on how you look at it. i'm not sure i regret all of my choices but i do know i regret quite a few. ok, more than a few. ok, alot. doesn't mean that i didn't learn from each good or bad decision. just means that i wish i may have learned those lessons in different less painful ways? perhaps also not learning some lessons more than once.

you can't control what happens to you in life, but you can control how you respond to those events. moving forward in life. i've decided that i really need to look harder at exactly that...how i respond to life's hairpin turns. how i make choices...and the choices i make. it's taken me 5 years now since my wife's passing for me to really decide that i need to more intentional about moving and growing forward....which is partly why i decided to start this blog i guess. i just needed to do something different and i needed an outlet.

so...there you have it. not short or vague as i promised...but at least it's there for all or none to see.

now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

George Costanza is a GENIUS!

2009-12-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

so...today is my birthday... whoop tee do...

actually, today has been a good day so far...for a variety of reasons that aren't related to that which most people celebrate on their day of birth. more accurately, it's been a good day in a string of bad ones because of one decision i made a few weeks ago...

for years, which started after my Dad's passing, i've always wanted to spend my birthday alone. even when i was dating my late wife, even while we were married. the only birthday i didn't spend the majority alone actually was the last one i had with her, and my first with my daughter. that was my first birthday to be spent with "my" family...and apparently it was the one and only. it's always been a day for me to do nothing really. read, eat, drink coffee, reflect, journal, pray...you get the picture. it was a day for me to indulge my introvert self.

this year...well, this year i'm going with the George Costanza theory. in one episode of "Seinfeld", George decides that every instinct, every decision he has made in life is wrong and therefore is going to do the complete opposite. instead of tuna on toast, coleslaw and a cup of coffee...chicken salad...on rye, un-toasted...with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea! it's a tv show, yeah...but that doesn't mean there isn't a nugget of truth or inspiration that can be derived from it. i'm not saying that i'm analyzing every decision and doing the opposite, no. but in certain circumstances...it is the right and perhaps healthier thing to choose.

when depression sets in, my natural inclination is to do nothing and give in to the fear, the negative feelings...the desire to curl up and hide. i'm choosing this season to use George as my inspiration. instead of retreating and giving in to the fear and anxiety, i will get my ass out of bed and move forward...even if i make mistakes...even if it means i will fail to some degree. instead of surrounding myself in anonymity...i will step out and be a participant.

this has not been a great year. it hasn't ended badly...just disappointing and a feeling of things unresolved or more accurately, still to be resolved. after starting off 2009 with what i thought would be one of positive change and forward momentum, it has not come to pass the way that i had envisioned nor had hoped. that does not mean it has been a bad year...not by far. but not quite what i thought it had promised last January. to be forthright, there has been much positive change in my life. there is much changing in me that is good...no...awesome (thank you Barney Stinson). looking back, it has taken those experiences that gave me what i needed to initiate and sustain change. again, choosing to go against the norm wisely.

a friend said today something extremely accurate and poignant...
"it is a crock to say the best advice to someone looking to change is to be true to yourself and your convictions all the time. sometimes, the only way to change yourself is to do things like someone else...someone you'd rather be..."
paraphrased of course...

exactly true in my case. i needed to step out of the norm...out of my comfort zone. push down some walls and step outside of my "box" to initiate and sustain change. it's not an easy or comfortable choice. but it's keeping me from giving in to the darkness.

today, instead of spending my day alone and wallowing in myself, i hung out with two amazing people from my church, a church filled with amazing people. in a few hours over simple cups of coffee and meandering conversations, i have found connections that have and will continue to challenge and encourage me. in these simple interactions i find community. thanks dudes...

so on my birthday, i will raise my first glass not to myself, but to George Costanza...for his example shall be the beacon i choose to follow out of the hole i'm in...

whatever...

i am...a lucky man if for no other reason that here on Earth, i am surrounded with and acquainted with some of the most incredible people ever. i have said it many a time but i have the best friends in the world bar none...and i challenge anyone to prove me wrong. i will take on and defeat all comers.

the first and all subsequent glasses will be raised to them always. God doesn't need a glass...but He does keep filling mine...

dig a hole...fill it up...

doldrums...

2009-12-11T14:53:00.001-08:00

as one could well see (if there were any followers...and i really doubt that there are any) i don't, haven't had the time to write much...
that doesn't mean i have nothing to write...but most of the time, they are just snippets...snapshots of life experiences and observations that have no real...interest to anyone but prolly me...

lately...life has been pretty much a downer. don't get me wrong, in this season of thanksgiving and celebration...i know deep in the innermost parts of my being that i have much to celebrate and be thankful for in my life...i won't bore you with any details. but i'm having a hard time "being" and or "feeling" blessed or thankful...and by "being" i mean "owning" it i guess.

now, knowing and feeling are two things which in my mind are mutually exclusive. you can know that you are but not feel like you are. " knowing" and "being" doesn't require any real action on my part, whereas "feeling"...well, there is that response component to that. if i feel a certain way, i'm sure to act upon in some fashion at some point in time...yes? not "feeling" it will spawn another reaction/response altogether as well...usually one that isn't very healthy depending on the choices one might make in response.

so...i'm stuck. stuck in between the knowledge without having the benefit of the reward of that in which i know. actually, it's worse...because i actually "feel" either the opposite or nothing at all...and wondering what it would be like to be able to feel that which i also know. to be able to be lifted out of the trough i'm in. desperate? hmmm. no, not quite there yet...but wondering nonetheless what it might be like to merge these to worlds together. it's been so long since i've been able to feel as if i'm "aligned" that i am no longer able to remember what i did to get there and to recapture it now.

perhaps it has nothing to do with any actions on my part or anything i can control directly...indirectly? perhaps it's a state of mind. perhaps i'm actually striving for that for which i long by merely getting off my ass everyday and "living" rather than give in to feeling to just sit and merely "exist"...as if that really is "existing"? i don't know. but i've had enough of the way i'm feeling. i've had enough of it re-visiting me over and over again over the last 15 plus years (since my father passed away). it's time for change i feel. a "new" me? no, there is really no such creature. if Darwin and all his disciples were correct... i'm "evolving". that being said...they are only partially correct... and no, i'm not evolving. i think i just want to be more accountable to my better self...

more to come... maybe. no promises...

blah...

2009-09-11T01:32:00.001-07:00

exactly how i feel...

blah!!!!

my Guitars...

2009-07-09T14:49:00.000-07:00

i play guitar...or i should say...i play at guitar. i'm not what you would deem accomplished...but i get by...

i own or have owned about 18 guitars...lemme list 'em...perhaps chronologically would be best? just so it's clear...this is about 25years worth of collecting...

1: Yamaha - Eterna: my first guitar at age 14...purchased for me by my dad after accidentally throwing away over 1000 of my baseball cards...1456 to be exact...
2: Washburn - EA-20: Edge inspired...not Nuno Bettencourt. late wife helped me with this purchase...
3: Takemine - circa 1972: pawn shop bought and fixed up, sold later to a friend for $150
4: Ibenez - Roadstar II - my first electric...sold to my nephew for $75
5 & 6: Taylor 514CE - i bought 2, 4 years apart...2nd one was a steal...
7: Larrivee Parlor - a guitar i fell in love with but traded to a friend for...#12
8: Godin LG-P90 - a good find but now needs a new home
9: Tacoma Papoose - now my daughters
10: Tacoma Papoose Electric - now also my daughters
11: Gretsch Electromatic Semi-Acoustic - purchased in trade for about $175 worth of unused computer equipment.
12: Epiphone Classical - debating whether i should keep...but it's nice to play once in awhile
13: Larrivee Parlor Birch and Spruce - i missed my parlor G...
14: Godin Exit-22 Fat Strat - also may be looking for a new home
15: Larrivee Parlor - i really missed the parlor...this one is exactly like my original
16: Godin LGXT - gifted to my old Sunday School teacher who taught me to play guitar
17: Breedlove Koa & Spruce - this one found me...and i love it...
18: Gretsch Black Electromatic - i find myself playing this one more than all the others

i really don't know how i was inflicted with this malady to acquire guitars...but it's time to cure myself of it...at least enough to make the inventory a bit more manageable.

so i still have quite a few in my possession. i'm begining to think it's time to lighten the inventory as it were. as you can tell, each has it's own story and with the prospect of possibly re-marrying someday...i will have to eventually sell some of these as part of the "pruning" process. of course, i will hav eto determine the number that i will actually keep and which ones...and perhaps i'll sell several to make room for that "special" guitar...who knows. i would like to one day own a "boutique" guitar. say, an Olson or a Ryan. my Breedlove does count in that vein but that was a guitar i bought more for it's playability and tone than anything else.

well...i guess it's time to take some pics and post some of these guys on Ebay...

if you're out there and interested...gimme a holler!

Updates...

11/24/09
the LG-P90 has a new and much deserved home and owner. Derek will put that bad boy to work...for good that is!

12/24/09
got to play Christmas Eve Services w/ D and the Godin. not only does it look good in his hands...it sounds good...

01/08/10
the Washburn EA-20 has also found a new and much deserved new owner. i'm sure Grace and Ray will give that guitar the attention it deserves. it sure wasn't at my house with the Taylors and the Larrivees lurking about...

06/26/10
the Yamaha...yes, the original...is now no longer in my possession. story/blog to follow at some point...

07/10/10
the Gretsch Electromatic Semi-Acoustic is also now gone. sold to a friend to further her daughter's aspiring entertainment career.. :)

and nobody cares!

2009-06-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

well...maybe they do and maybe they don't...does it really matter?

i've considered blogging for several years now...but never really had any idea of what i would "blog" (wow...now it's become a verb AND a noun). but after reading a good many, and besides the technical, music or sports ones, i find they had very little to say. heck, a lot of the one's that i read in regards to technology, music or sports...weren't very interesting nor informative as well.

don't get me wrong. everybody is entitled to there opinion...and their right to share it. i just go tired of the vitriol and hyperbole found in many of those observations and points of view. hey, maybe you like the blog equivalent Dick Vitale or Jim Rome. there's plenty of cyber spew out there for you! me...i guess i'm looking for that nugget of wisdom or humor hidden in an unexpected place. yeah...that's a true find...

now...if that's what you're looking for here...you ain't gonna find it brother...or sister...or...yeah. nope...this blog is just a repository for my inane thoughts and observations of the world in and around me. anything worth taking away will be purely accidental and highly suspect. i'm a simple guy, who would love to live a simple life but God and Fate have handed me a different set of circumstances. mostly good...some great...punctuated with bits of extreme complexity and challenge... but who's life isn't? i'm not complaining (because it does me no good too) just laying a foundation...

but then again...who really cares?

well...does anyone really care and if no one does...does it really matter as long as i care?

that is the whole thing about blogging isn't it? we're putting our thoughts and opinions out there thinking someone or someones will give a nickel for those thoughts and observations. obviously they mean something to us...and maybe that's all that matters...so here goes...

i don't really have any real purpose for this other than to exercise my brain a little...and when i say a little...i mean very little!

so again...does anyone really care...and does it matter as long as someone does?